Warning: This is a three part article comin at you in one setting. To the TL;DR crowd,; don't worry, I included all kinds of pics and timelines and fun doo dads to keep ya motivated.
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Theodore Long is the single most unprofessional and unqualified person ever to keep a managerial job in the entire history of the WWE.
For eight years Long has terrorized wrestlers, endangered fans, made horrendous personnel decisions and ignored responsibility to fraternize with women of questionable intention.
In short: Teddy Long should have been fired years ago. In the days leading up to Wrestlemania, I will be providing various examples of Theodore R Long sucking really bad at his job.
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| ....and sometimes you don't even need a caption |
During Theodore R. "Teddy" Long’s extended managerial career he
has displayed a thorough lack of professionalism, decorum and integrity. He has
made countless puzzling decisions, is guilty of extreme favoritism, and has
allowed the bullying tactics of numerous superstars to shape the WWE in a
highly improper manner.
This is a man who has suffered both a serious concussion and a serious heart attack in the last five years. This is a man who has seen his world title surrendered by injury on three separate occasions. Simply, Teddy Long is the picture of instability, and cannot be trusted to provide a safe work environment for the WWE talent and officials.
In short, Theodore Long may be the single most unprofessional and unqualified person ever to keep a managerial job in the entire fake history of professional wrestling.
The Theodore Long is
a Spiteful Human Timeline
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| Putting the "soul" in Soul Patch |
The following is a list of only some of Teddy Long’s most vindictive and wildly biased actions.
This list is by no means full or comprehensive.
Feb 24 2005 – Teddy Long’s Job officially comes under
question for the first time, via Carlito Caribbean Cool. It is saved by Linda
McMahon and the WWE Board of Directors.
March 3 2005 – Carlito is forced to shovel snow in the
parking lot. In the cold.
March 10 2005 – Carlito is sent on a mission to get
information from the Undertaker. He is
piledriven on his head for his effort.
March 17 2005 – Carlito is seen selling hot dogs in the
concession stand.
March 25 2005 –. Carlito is forced to impersonate Elvis. He is visibly humiliated.
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| Not that you can blame the guy |
October 16 2006 – MVP insults Teddy, says Smackdown has no
competition for him. MVP is then booked to face Kane.
October 27 2006 – MVP is ill and cannot compete. He is
booked in a tag team match for the following week against Kane and the
Undertaker. He is given Ken Kennedy as a partner. AGAINST KANE AND THE FRIGGIN UNDERTAKER.
Novemver 3 2006 – Long twice restarts the Kane/Undertaker v
MVP/Kennedy match, to further punish MVP and Kennedy.
November 10 2006 – Teddy Long makes MVP compete in a street
fight against Kane.
November 17 2006 – MVP, having won the street fight, is booked
in a steel cage match v. Kane.
December 1 2006 – MVP, after winning steel cage and street
fight matches against Kane, is booked to face him in an inferno match.
December 17 2006 – Kane sets MVP on fire. Teddy Long twists
his mustache and slowly pets a cat from a giant leather throne in his
penthouse.
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| ^ Hottest rising star in the business |
June 18 2010 – Drew MacIntyre defeats Teddy Long in a match
sanctioned by Vince McMahon.
June 25 2010 – Teddy Long notifies authorities that Drew
MacIntyre’s VISA has expired and attempts to have MacIntyre deported. He first books
a Drew Mac v Matt Hardy match, only contacting authorities after it concludes.
July 9 2010 – Teddy Long forces Drew MacIntyre to beg for a
spot in a Money in the Bank Ladder match. Drew begs. Teddy responds by booking
Drew v Kofi Kingston in a MITB qualifier.
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| Shattering his mental health and sexuality in the process |
Note: This list doesn’t even take into account Long’s behaviour
post Jan 21 2011, when Dolph Ziggler concussed Teddy, putting a
*real* chip on his shoulder.
Teddy has been screwing with his young talent for years.
First Drew MacIntyre. Then Carlito. Both Carlito and MVP, once promising superstars,
have left the WWE due at least in part to the abuse they suffered at the hands
of Mr. Long. How many young careers have
to die Teddy?
Theodore Long’s inappropriate fraternization with the opposite sex
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| Not that you can blame the guy |
First and freshest in the mind is the curious case of Teddy
and Aksana, a relationship seemingly aging in reverse.
Aksana began coming on to Theodore Long in an aggressive
manner on Smackdown television in 2011. Teddy, as he can sometimes be, was
generally oblivious. Aksana remained persistent, but did start to flirt with
other WWE Superstars because holy fuck this guy’s old. Eventually Teddy bumbled
his way through a period that bore zero resemblance to human courting, and the
two ended up together.
It’s worth stating that Aksana is a rookie diva from Russia
who can barely speak English and in her young career has already once married
and (I presume) divorced a WWE superstar. This is the girl you’re pissing away
your work day over? Get with the program Ted.
Long regularly abandons his post to spend time around the
city with his Russian sweetheart. The couple have gone as far as running out in
the middle of shows that Aksana is still advertised to wrestle on!
Unfortunately this is hardly a standalone incident. In 2007,
Teddy Long proposed to and was prepared to be wed to another WWE Diva, Kristal
Marshall. Throughout the summer of 2007, Theodore Long routinely abandoned his
duties on Smackdown in the middle of the program, leaving with then girlfriend
Kristal to gallivant around the various cities of Smackdown. When Long was physically
present at his job, his time was dedicated to planning his wedding with the WWE
diva.
Sadly there would be no wedding bells, as during the
Long-Marshall nuptials, Theodore Long had
a heart attack and was off television for two months.
Teddy Long’s very presence in the same room as a woman like Aksana
is a serious health risk for all we know. I mean, I’ve never seen a doctor’s note.
Theodore Long hires and continues to employ
Jon Heidenreich
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| Hm....I'll allow it. |
During Theodore Long’s eight off and on years as general
manager of various WWE programs, he has hired an eclectic batch of superstars,
to say the least. Long has provided work for such luminaries as Kizarney, Simon
Dean, Gavin Spears, one off deals to Gangrel and Viscera, and of course, The
Boogeyman.
None of those wrestlers begin to compare, however, to the
whirling dervish known as Jon Heidenreich
On the Sep 16th 2004 episode of Teddy Long’s Smackdown,
while calling a Kenzo Suzuki/Renee Dupree v. Nunzio/Johnny Stamboil match, one
Michael Cole was kidnapped and forcibly brought backstage by Jon Heidenreich.
Here are the facts about the segment that followed, as best
as I can represent them:
Jon Heidenreich is a seven foot bleached blond psychopath
who has an extremely Aryan vibe about him. He and a terrified Michael Cole are
pictured on camera from the chest up. Heidenreich whispers into Cole's ear (and
I quote):
"I bet you're
wondering why I've got you back here Michael. I like watching you. And I've
been studying you Michael. And I know me and you, we want the same things. We
have the same desires.... Well now that I've got you back here all alone with
me, I'm going to give you what you want".
Heidenreich then forcibly locks the door. And
Smackdown goes to commercial break.
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| It's exactly what it looks like. |
If you watch this on youtube the ad break is so subtle that
you almost miss it. But it's there. I guess only Michael Cole, Jon Heidenreich
and God know what happened for those 180 seconds on that faithful afternoon.
What we do know? Heidenreich thrusted into Michael Cole no
less than six times. I went back and counted (because a journalist always does
his due diligence?). These were legitimate thrusts. Shoot thrusts. Full body
thrusts.
Remember the end of American Beauty? That’s the exact vibe
Heidenreich was going for here.
This incident occurred not one month after Jon Heidenreich
first appeared on Smackdown. Just fire the psychopath Teddy! The labour board
doesn't even have to know about this one. I know personally, I've been let go
from better places than Smackdown for worse reasons than raping Michael Cole.
As an aside, I think this explains Michael Cole's
semi-recent behavioural shift. If I can play psychologist for a moment: the WWE
can trace Michael Cole's wacky pattern of acting out and disrupting their
program back to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the night that Jon Heidenreich
sexually assaulted his butt.
This was hardly the only dismissible offense on
Heidenreich's record. Consider these transgressions, all occurring in the one
month period immediately following the Cole incident:
Jon Heidenreich’s
Furious Fall
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| You mean to tell me this guy's crazy?! |
- Sep 30 2004. A raving Jon Heidenreich recites a poem from the top of the Smackdown set
(the fist). This is presumably an attempt at a violent, graphic and extremely
public suicide. Paul Heyman pleads with him not to jump. Referees and agents
surround ringside. Confusion and panic mounts. Teddy Long takes no discernible
action.
- No Mercy, Oct 3 2004. Heidenreich attacks
the Undertaker with chloroform, stuffs him in a hearse, and drives a car into
said hearse, with the Undertaker inside. The hearse explodes instantly for some
reason. The Undertaker survives solely on the basis of his mystical powers.
Mystical powers not mandated by Teddy Long.
- Oct 7 2004. Heidenreich jumps into the
crowd, attacking fans. In the NBA, Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest
were handed down lengthy suspensions for a similar act. On Teddy Long’s
Smackdown? Heidenreich had to go to the ring and publicly apologize.
That is to say, Teddy Long’s
response to Heidenreich attacking fans,
was TO FURTHER ANTAGONIZE
THE MONSTER AND SEND HIM BACK OUT IN FRONT OF THE
FANS!
Unsupervised!
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| Hm......yeah, I'm still gonna allow it. |
It’s a small miracle Jon Heidenreich didn’t kill somebody.
The Best of Theodore
R Long. The R stands for something offensive.
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| SPOILER ALERT: It's "retard". The word was "retard". Sorry everybody. |
Here's a quick collection of Teddy’s greatest hits. These are
newsworthy items that occurred during Long’s time as GM that I couldn’t work in
anywhere else, but had to include for the sake of posterity.
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Re-instated the Inferno match. To this day
nobody is sure how this one got by the Virginia State Athletic Commission.
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Created the Barbed Wire Steel Cage purely to
torture John Bradshaw Layfield
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Green-Lit that terrorist bullshit with Muhammad
Hassan
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Braden Walker
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The Juniors Division. Good old fashioned 1980’s
“midget ‘rasslin” complete with a Toys ‘R Us style graphic at the start of the
match, to let the viewer at home know it was time to change the channel.
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| This was insulting and offensive to children, cruiserweights, little people AND professional wrestling fans. |
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Created Kenzo Suzuki/Rene Dupree tag team. Come on.
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Hired Great Khali. In April of 2006. Kept him on
and off for 6 years.
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Re-hired Tatanka SOLELY to feed him to the Great
Khali. That shit is racist.
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Allowed Tough Enough Segments to appear on his
TV show
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Allowed Diva Search Segments to appear on his TV
show
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The Gymini
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Honestly, look at his team at Wrestlemania 28.
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| Crack team of geeks right here. |
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Hired the Miz back in his HOO-RAH days
- Jesus Christ would it kill ya to chill out on the tag team matches a shade?
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Loves him some Ezekiel Jackson
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Allowed the Boogeyman to stuff unsanitary
earthworms in the mouths of WWE officials and superstars, and then booked Boogeyman
to wrestle vs. numerous former world champions.
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Invented and booked the Punjabi Prison Match. Somehow sat through the first match, which was like watching paint dry on a wall that just slept with your mother, and thought WHY NOT DO THAT AGAIN?
- Had the raw nerve to book a second Punjabi
Prison match.
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| Aw man but it looks SO bad ass |
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Booked Funaki v. Paul Heyman
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Booked a 6-way match for the “Smackdown Title”, discontinued
the championship minutes after
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Booked a JBL v Blue Meanie match. Egregious for
a number of reasons.
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Booked Dawn Marie & Torrie Wilson v Moolah
and Mae Young in an old school v new school School Girl Match. This was
legitimately the worst bait and switch ever recorded by man. The match
originally was slated to be Dawn Marie v. Torrie in school girl uniforms. Cool!
What we got? Mae Young's car-crash thighs and a re-appearance of what I ate for
breakfast. How is it even possible to misunderstand your audience to that
degree? The rules of the match: remove your opponents' uniforms. Thank god the
old women went over.
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| This is gonna replace Jake the Snake in my nightmares. |
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- Wrestling Observer
Awards: Worst Match of the Year (2005) v Eric
Bischoff @ Survivor Series. This match featured two run-ins. If you
guessed Palmer Cannon and the Boogeyman, you lack the ability to represses
traumatic memories.
- Ederer awards:
Worst Dancer Of All-Time (1999-present) , Worst manager of Rodney Mack (2003).
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