Jan 7 2013 RAW 3 COUNT: Road to Megalomania

Jesus Christ, 65 pounds.

PUNK ROCK LIVES

CM Punk and The Rock kicked off the Road to Wrestlemania with one of the most memorable segments in the three hour Mundane Night Raw era. 

Punk and The Rock set up their match at the Royal Rumble, going back and forth on the microphone in a completely unique promo battle before Rocky hit Punk with a Rock Bottom. It was strange to watch as it unfolded; two guys whose styles didn't totally mesh creating a fantastic segment out of their massive style clash.

This whole Punk/Rock thing has a very high school vibe. The popular, tall, massive, athletic, catch-phrase and joke chasing jock versus the small, greasy, mean, cerebral, pierced and tatted up punk. This is an easy story to get into, and a hard one to screw up.

CM Punk was on fire, particularly in the second half of this promo. And make no mistake, he had to be on his A game standing opposite the Fucking Scorpion King. Punk looked MUCH smaller than Rocky, almost comically so. Watching them actually wrestle each other will be very strange. I don't think it's a negative necessarily, especially since CM Punk probably isn't going to win the match. If anything, it adds to the effect of this feud. But it stands out when you first see it. 

For someone who was universally adored during his peak, The Rock sure does elicit a lot of mixed reactions these days. Though the Floridian faithful were clearly behind The Rock, Online Rasslin Nerd approval has been harder to come by. Yet again, not a negative. A rift has been created with this feud, much like John Cena v The Rock last year. People are talking about this match, and more importantly, they’re picking sides. No matter what happens from here on out, that’s basically the whole game for the WWE right there.

Worth noting: CM Punk is my wrestler of the year for 2012. And right now, Punk is my clubhouse leader for 2013. The NJPW Tokyo Dome show was awesome, but no one thing on that crazy five hour tomb of a show was as impressive a feat as getting the best singles match of Ryback’s career and then CLANGING AND BANGING AND HANGING word for word with the Rock on the microphone within the same hour.

Well, it might be topped by Lo Ki working a full match in the Hitman suit.

99% of this reference was an excuse to post this

CM Punk sold me the 2013 Royal Rumble with this one promo.

BREAKING: JOHN CENA IS STILL JOHN CENA

There’s no character I hate more in pro wrestling than John Cena, Sarcastic Carny. The thing is, when Cena’s on his game he’s actually really great. He *can* cut a mean promo, and still does from time to time, seemingly at random. But he’s so much better angry. When he’s being silly, it’s almost unwatchable.

To another point: it’s been bothering me for a long time, but I think I finally figured out who Silly Carny Cena reminds me of.

John Cena stole Ivan Ooze’s cadence, and much in the same way is peddling his gunk to small children.

This promo was NOT fit to kick off the Road to Wrestlemania. Cena ran around the ring like Eugene and led the crowd in the worst wave since all those people died in The Day After Tomorrow. AJ spoke, and she was AJ. Dolph spoke, and he was pretty good. He’s better than Billy Gunn at least. Cena got the mic back and challenged Dolph, said he was tired of talking (even though he got 85% of the promo time) and let’s fight yadda yadda, you’ve seen it. And then, something magical happened.

Big E Langston....

Took the microphone....

And started saying words.

We’re going to the block quote here.

“Oh I’ve got the mic now? Yo Cena! You think...Dolph’s your only problem? Well I have your answer for you annnnnddddd *goldust breath* .....it’s on”.

It was not good. I think Big E might be a decent, screaming babyface promo, but his cocky heel needs a ton of work.

This wasn’t as bad the Cena/Laurinaitis “LOSER” debacle, but this was still John Cena at his absolute worst. If I had a Nielsen box, I would have left it on the BCS game after that opening promo. A disappointing start to such a huge Raw.

LET’S GET READY TO BATTLE ROYAL WITH STAGGERED ENTRANCES

Why would you ever pick Crush?

John Cena, Dolph Ziggler, Randy Orton, Sheamus, and 3 Man Band all threw their various hats into the ring for the 2013 Royal Rumble.

With the main event already set in stone, expect the field for the actual rumble to start increasing dramatically in the coming weeks. The Miz, Wade Barrett, Kofi Kingston, Antonio Cesaro. There are a multitude of guys with nothing in particular to do.

The Royal Rumble is the best. Anything that leads to 3MB eating six finishing moves total on Raw is fine by this humble blogger. If Raw was three straight hours of Heath Slater eating finishers, I would start buying company stock.

QUICK RESULTS  

CENA, DOLPH, AJ, BIG E PROMO: Cena has two promos. Good Cena, and awful Carny Cena. This was the latter. Also of note: They ACTUALLY LET BIG E SPEAK. Maybe they jumped the gun there.

-           Match #1 – John Cena pinned Dolph Ziggler with the AA. This was a good, long match, but it did nothing to put over the bad guys. Cena kicked out of Dolph’s Zig Zag, a fame-asser, a Superkick, and Big E’s finisher to boot. So yeah I guess 2013 is going to be a “big year” for John Cena.  3*

-          Match #2 – Kaitlyn beat Eve by count-out. Kaitlyn was getting the upper hand, so Eve just bailed on the match and took her title, being sure to walk through the crowd in front of the hard camera. That made me laugh, I’ve never seen it before. Eve is a really great heel. It’s too bad nobody notices because she’s a Diva. I’m gonna miss her when she inevitably goes on the bigger and better things. 1*

-          SANTINO, RICKY STEAMBOAT & WADE BARRETT PROMO: Steamboat and Santino were being good guys together in the locker room. Barrett came by and was mean. Steamboat said he would be in Santino’s corner tonight against Barrett. Santino makes me laugh every time he speaks.

-          RANDY ORTON PROMO: Randy entered the rumble. 3MB came to ...do their thing. Orton challenged Slater, and closed on the line “you won’t be playing a guitar..... you’ll be playing a harp”. This confused everybody in Tampa. I don’t even think anybody knew the promo was over.

-          Match #3 – Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow beat Kane & Daniel Bryan when Rhodes pinned Bryan with the Cross Rhodes. Good match, hopefully setting up the long overdue title change soon. (Hate to say this, but) Bryan and Kane could have a really good little match at Wrestlemania.  2.5*

-          Match #4 – Randy Orton pinned Heath Slater with the RKO. Post-match, Orton RKO’ed all of 3MB. Surprisingly good little rasslin match here. Don’t get me wrong, Heath was always a decent shit head, but he’s become a really good and reliable wrestler overnight.  Hate to say this too, but I think 3MB is working. 2.5*

-          Match #5 – Wade Barrett pinned Santino with the  Bull Hammer. I love that move. Post match, The Dragon stood over Santino to protect him from the evil Englishman Barrett. It was like Game of Thrones in reverse. Hey by the way, Didn’t the Nexus almost kill Ricky Steamboat? I feel like this could be an angle brewing. 1.5*

-          SHEAMUS PROMO: Sheamus cuts a promo about how he can’t top beating Daniel Bryan in 18 seconds. Ironically, Sheamus would be a really good promo if he was kept to 18 seconds. He’s like one of those SNL skits that consist of one joke, but they stretch it out to a full segment week in and week out. Wouldn’t you know it, 3MB comes out and Sheamus challenges them, just like Randy Orton did not minutes ago. Sheamus and Orton are equals, being the overall theme here. 

Match #6 – Antonio Cesaro pinned The Great Khali with the neutralizer. Miz was on guest commentary. Oh my god, Miz is the worst good guy He wasn’t even a good guy on the Real World. Turn this man heel! On topic, this match will be remembered for one spot: 

     Smart of WWE to get this on Raw I reckon. That was unbelievable.  The Khali match is a litmus test in a lot of ways. Everybody works Khali and Khali is bad, but he’s not the worst wrestler of all time. If you can get a good match out of Khali, you’re a good wrestler. Even without the finish, this was a good match. Cesaro is really impressive. 2*

-          PAUL HEYMAN & BRAD MADDOX PROMO: Paul Heyman is incaple of cutting a bad promo. Every time he speaks, you just want to listen. Maddox is coming into his character more and more. I think they have something with him. Good stuff here.

-          Match #7 – Sheamus pinned Jinder Mahal with the Brogue kick. There was a spot where Sheamus grabbed Jinder’s nose and twisted it, so to respond, Jinder (I hate to say this too in fact) grabbed Sheamus’ ass. Like powerfully grabbed his ass as an offensive move. I had to rewind it like forty times and watch it in slow motion to make sure (uh). Let’s just say that the “wrestling is gay” crowd just got another gif in their favor. Good match. non-stop action but I can’t see myself ever thinking “gee y’know I’d really like to watch the Jinder Mahal ass-grabbing match again” 2*

-          Match #8 – CM Punk defeated THE RYBACK in a TLC Match. They did the old ECW gimmick where the lights go out at the climax of the match (in this case, as Ryback had his hands on the title). When they came back on there were secret bad guys mysteriously in the ring. Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns powerbombed Ryback through a table onto the stairs (new spotz ~!) and CM Punk won with a humongous smile on his face. As Ryback matches go, this was up there with Hell in a Cell but not as good as Sheild v Ryback/Kane/Bryan. 3.5*

-          CM PUNK PROMO: Punk says it’s time to drop another pipe bomb. This should be good

-          KANE & DANIEL BRYAN PROMO: The two guys tease dissention, and Dr. Shelby is coming back next week for an evaluation. I really hope this leads to a Bryan/Kane/Dr. Shelby 3 way.

-          CM PUNK AND ROCK PROMO: This is two segments, first a Punk/Heyman promo, followed by Punk and the Rock squaring off one on one. CM Punk ‘s first promo deconstructed his good guy run from early 2012. Punk declares that Raw only goes to commercial when the CHAMP SAYS, and then Raw cuts to commercial mid sentence. That was hilarious. Back from the break, Rock comes in and calls Punk “Cookiepuss” and “a cracked out Popeye”. CM Punk gives a really awesome retort, if you youtube one thing from this show, make it that. Rock makes another joke, hits a Rock Bottom and we’re done here.

Verdict: Four matches at or above the Mendoza Line of 2.5*, Cesaro’s weekly insane feat of strength, Ryback’s best or second-best singles match, not to mention a Punk v Rock promo that if nothing else felt extremely important and got people talking. This was a good Raw. Worth at least a TiVo. DVR if you're up here in America North.