3. That's a fucking $40 blu-ray he so casually crumpled between those pickle fingers. So you know, ^^^^^^^^ 4. Myself being a weightier individual as well, I know this to be a rule: it's always funny when fat gets flustered. Especially on camera. It's a really really fine line between
and
You can't really ever lose your cool, at least non-ironically. It's always a bad look.
5. yeah these two humans do not look like they're the same age.
6. I feel really, really bad for Paul Fat Heyman Guy when he starts self hating RE; playing with toys. That's such a lonely thought, even with his girl right there. I want to hang out with these guys and talk wrestling. Probably only once. 7. Pay attention to Big Fat Paul Heyman Guy's cadence and theatrics... he's cutting a wrestling promo. This can be a common problem with people so distressed with their own life that they live in a wrestling bubble. I tend to accidentally cut wrestling promos when I'm upset or fighting too. Lots of " the fact of the matter is".
CM Punk and The Rock kicked off the Road to Wrestlemania with
one of the most memorable segments in the three hour Mundane Night Raw era.
Punk
and The Rock set up their match at the Royal Rumble, going back and forth on
the microphone in a completely unique promo battle before Rocky hit Punk with
a Rock Bottom. It was strange to watch as it unfolded; two guys whose styles didn't totally mesh creating a fantastic segment out of their massive style clash.
This whole Punk/Rock thing has a very high
school vibe. The popular, tall, massive, athletic, catch-phrase and joke chasing jock versus the small, greasy,
mean, cerebral, pierced and tatted up punk. This is an easy story to get into, and a hard one to screw up.
CM Punk was on fire, particularly in the
second half of this promo. And make no mistake, he had to be on his A game standing opposite the Fucking Scorpion King. Punk looked MUCH smaller than Rocky, almost comically so. Watching them actually wrestle each other will be very strange. I don't think it's a negative necessarily, especially since CM Punk probably isn't going to win the match. If anything, it adds to the effect of this feud. But it stands out when you first see it.
For someone who was universally adored during his peak, The
Rock sure does elicit a lot of mixed reactions these days. Though the Floridian
faithful were clearly behind The Rock, Online Rasslin Nerd approval has been harder
to come by. Yet again, not a negative. A rift has been created with this feud, much like John Cena v The
Rock last year. People are talking about this match, and more importantly, they’re picking sides. No matter what
happens from here on out, that’s basically the whole game for the WWE right there.
Worth noting: CM Punk is my wrestler of the year for 2012.
And right now, Punk is my clubhouse leader for 2013. The NJPW
Tokyo Dome show was awesome, but no one thing on that crazy five hour tomb of a
show was as impressive a feat as getting the best singles match of Ryback’s
career and then CLANGING AND BANGING AND HANGING word for word with the Rock on
the microphone within the same hour.
Well, it might be topped by Lo Ki working a full match in
the Hitman suit.
99% of this reference was an excuse to post this
CM Punk sold me the 2013 Royal Rumble with this one promo.
BREAKING: JOHN CENA
IS STILL JOHN CENA
There’s no character I hate more in pro wrestling than John
Cena, Sarcastic Carny. The thing is, when Cena’s on his game he’s actually
really great. He *can* cut a mean promo, and still does from time to time, seemingly
at random. But he’s so much better angry. When he’s being silly, it’s almost
unwatchable.
To another point: it’s been bothering me for a long time,
but I think I finally figured out who Silly Carny Cena reminds me of.
John Cena stole Ivan Ooze’s cadence, and much in the same
way is peddling his gunk to small children.
This promo was NOT fit to kick off the Road to Wrestlemania.
Cena ran around the ring like Eugene and led the crowd in the worst wave since
all those people died in The Day After Tomorrow. AJ spoke, and she was AJ.
Dolph spoke, and he was pretty good. He’s better than Billy Gunn at least. Cena
got the mic back and challenged Dolph, said he was tired of talking (even
though he got 85% of the promo time) and let’s fight yadda yadda, you’ve seen
it. And then, something magical happened.
Big E Langston....
Took the microphone....
And started saying
words.
We’re going to the block quote here.
“Oh I’ve got the mic now? Yo Cena! You think...Dolph’s your only
problem? Well I have your answer for you annnnnddddd *goldust breath* .....it’s
on”.
It was not good. I think Big E might be a decent, screaming
babyface promo, but his cocky heel needs a ton of work.
This wasn’t as bad the Cena/Laurinaitis “LOSER” debacle, but
this was still John Cena at his absolute worst. If I had a Nielsen box, I would
have left it on the BCS game after that opening promo. A disappointing start to
such a huge Raw.
LET’S GET READY TO BATTLE
ROYAL WITH STAGGERED ENTRANCES
Why would you ever pick Crush?
John Cena, Dolph Ziggler, Randy Orton, Sheamus, and 3 Man
Band all threw their various hats into the ring for the 2013 Royal Rumble.
With the main event already set in stone, expect the field
for the actual rumble to start increasing dramatically in the coming weeks. The
Miz, Wade Barrett, Kofi Kingston, Antonio Cesaro. There are a multitude of guys
with nothing in particular to do.
The Royal Rumble is the best. Anything that leads to 3MB
eating six finishing moves total on Raw is fine by this humble blogger. If Raw
was three straight hours of Heath Slater eating finishers, I would start buying
company stock.
QUICK RESULTS
CENA,
DOLPH, AJ, BIG E PROMO: Cena has two promos. Good Cena, and awful Carny
Cena. This was the latter. Also of note: They ACTUALLY LET BIG E SPEAK. Maybe
they jumped the gun there.
-Match #1 – John Cena pinned
Dolph Zigglerwith the AA. This was a good, long match, but it did
nothing to put over the bad guys. Cena kicked out of Dolph’s Zig Zag, a
fame-asser, a Superkick, and Big E’s finisher to boot. So yeah I guess 2013 is
going to be a “big year” for John Cena. 3*
-Match #2 – Kaitlyn beat Eve
by count-out.Kaitlyn was getting the upper hand, so Eve just bailed
on the match and took her title, being sure to walk through the crowd in front
of the hard camera. That made me laugh, I’ve never seen it before. Eve is a
really great heel. It’s too bad nobody notices because she’s a Diva. I’m gonna
miss her when she inevitably goes on the bigger and better things. 1*
-SANTINO,
RICKY STEAMBOAT & WADE BARRETT PROMO: Steamboat and Santino were being
good guys together in the locker room. Barrett came by and was mean. Steamboat said he would be in
Santino’s corner tonight against Barrett. Santino makes me laugh every time he
speaks.
-RANDY
ORTON PROMO: Randy entered the rumble. 3MB came to ...do their thing. Orton
challenged Slater, and closed on the line “you won’t be playing a guitar.....
you’ll be playing a harp”. This confused everybody in Tampa. I don’t even think
anybody knew the promo was over.
-Match #3 – Cody Rhodes &
Damien Sandow beat Kane & Daniel Bryan when Rhodes pinned Bryan
with the Cross Rhodes. Good match, hopefully setting up the long overdue title
change soon. (Hate to say this, but) Bryan and Kane could have a
really good little match at Wrestlemania. 2.5*
-Match #4 – Randy Orton pinned
Heath Slaterwith the RKO. Post-match,
Orton RKO’ed all of 3MB. Surprisingly good little rasslin match here. Don’t get
me wrong, Heath was always a decent shit head, but he’s become a really good
and reliable wrestler overnight. Hate to say this too, but I think 3MB is working. 2.5*
-Match #5 – Wade Barrett pinned
Santino with the Bull Hammer.
I love that move. Post match, The Dragon stood over Santino to protect him from
the evil Englishman Barrett. It was like Game of Thrones in reverse. Hey by the
way, Didn’t the Nexus almost kill Ricky
Steamboat? I feel like this could be an angle brewing. 1.5*
-SHEAMUS
PROMO: Sheamus cuts a promo about how he can’t top beating Daniel Bryan in
18 seconds. Ironically, Sheamus would be a really good promo if he was kept to
18 seconds. He’s like one of those SNL skits that consist of one joke, but they
stretch it out to a full segment week in and week out. Wouldn’t you know it,
3MB comes out and Sheamus challenges them, just like Randy Orton did not
minutes ago. Sheamus and Orton are equals, being the overall theme here. Match #6 – Antonio Cesaro pinned
The Great Khali with the neutralizer. Miz was on guest commentary.
Oh my god, Miz is the worst good guy He wasn’t even a good guy on the Real
World. Turn this man heel! On topic, this match will be remembered for one spot:
Smart of WWE to get this on Raw I reckon.
That was unbelievable. The Khali match
is a litmus test in a lot of ways. Everybody works Khali and Khali is bad, but
he’s not the worst wrestler of all time. If you can get a good match out of
Khali, you’re a good wrestler. Even without the finish, this was a good match.
Cesaro is really impressive. 2*
-PAUL
HEYMAN & BRAD MADDOX PROMO: Paul Heyman is incaple of cutting a bad
promo. Every time he speaks, you just want to listen. Maddox is coming into his
character more and more. I think they have something with him. Good stuff here.
-Match #7 – Sheamus pinned Jinder
Mahal with the Brogue kick. There was a spot where Sheamus grabbed
Jinder’s nose and twisted it, so to respond, Jinder (I hate to say this too in
fact) grabbed Sheamus’ ass. Like
powerfully grabbed his ass as an offensive move. I had to rewind it like forty
times and watch it in slow motion to make sure (uh). Let’s just say that the “wrestling
is gay” crowd just got another gif in their favor. Good match. non-stop action
but I can’t see myself ever thinking “gee y’know I’d really like to watch the
Jinder Mahal ass-grabbing match again” 2*
-Match #8 – CM Punk defeated THE RYBACK
in a TLC Match. They did the old ECW gimmick where the lights go out
at the climax of the match (in this case, as Ryback had his hands on the
title). When they came back on there were secret bad guys mysteriously in the
ring. Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns powerbombed Ryback through a table onto the
stairs (new spotz ~!) and CM Punk won with a humongous smile on his face. As Ryback
matches go, this was up there with Hell in a Cell but not as good as Sheild v
Ryback/Kane/Bryan. 3.5*
-CM PUNK
PROMO: Punk says it’s time to drop another pipe bomb. This should be good
-KANE
& DANIEL BRYAN PROMO: The two guys tease dissention, and Dr. Shelby is
coming back next week for an evaluation. I really hope this leads to a
Bryan/Kane/Dr. Shelby 3 way.
-CM PUNK
AND ROCK PROMO: This is two segments, first a Punk/Heyman promo, followed
by Punk and the Rock squaring off one on one. CM Punk ‘s first promo
deconstructed his good guy run from early 2012. Punk declares that Raw only
goes to commercial when the CHAMP SAYS, and then Raw cuts to commercial mid sentence.
That was hilarious. Back from the break, Rock comes in and calls Punk “Cookiepuss”
and “a cracked out Popeye”. CM Punk gives a really awesome retort, if you
youtube one thing from this show, make it that. Rock makes another joke, hits a
Rock Bottom and we’re done here.
Verdict: Four matches at or above the Mendoza Line of 2.5*, Cesaro’s
weekly insane feat of strength, Ryback’s best or second-best singles match, not
to mention a Punk v Rock promo that if nothing else felt extremely important
and got people talking. This was a good Raw. Worth at least a TiVo. DVR if you're up here in America North.
HHH will be making his triumphant return to the squared circle in classic Triple H fashion, as he has been slated to compete at the hallowed Madison Square Garden this Sunday.
Triple H will team with WWE Champion CM Punk and former Evolution running mate Randy Orton, to meet the team of Dolph Ziggler, Chris Jericho and Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes.
Three things spring to mind:
- MSG. Well, I guess H wasn't going to come back in Newark.
- This should be a really outstanding match. All six of these guys are very good. Not to mention that everybody gives that little extra bit in The Garden.
- Between beating CM Punk at Night of Champions and beating up Truth and Miz at Vengeance, HHH is getting something of an opportunity to work off whatever rust he's accumulated siring children.
I sure hope the Undertaker has a ring in his lair.
----------------------
WWE Presents Road to WrestleMania
Sunday, March 18, 2012- 5pm Special Start Time
Just announced- after recently accepting a WrestleMania match vs. The Undertaker, The Game- HHH will be live in action at The Garden on March 18- exactly two weeks before his Hell in a Cell match at WrestleMania 28!
Featured Six Man Tag Team Main Event:
HHH/WWE Champion CM Punk/Randy Orton
Vs.
Chris Jericho/Dolph Ziggler/Intercontinental Champion- Cody Rhodes
Returning to MSG is the Main Event Match from December - John Cena vs. Kane - This Time in a Last Man Standing Match!
World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan defends his championship for the first time at MSG in a Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship vs. two former World Champions The Big Show and Mark Henry
Former MSG/Survivor Series partners collide- The Miz vs. R-Truth
Also live: New York’s Own Zack Ryder, New United States Champion-Santino Marella, WWE Tag Team Champions Primo/Epico, WWE Divas Champion-Beth Phoenix, Kofi Kingston, Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez, Eve, Jack Swagger, Hornswoggle, Kelly Kelly, Executive Vice President- Talent Relations and Interim Raw General Manager- John Laurinaitis and many more Superstars from both Raw and Smackdown live!
"I never intended to include Chris Brown's name in one of my tweets to start some sort of a controversy or to gain publicity"
-- CM Punk
"So Chris wants to throw stones my way and that's fine, but throw a pair of gloves on and get in the ring. And I will choke you out, and I will make you feel as powerless, and as scared and alone as any woman who has had the misfortune of knowing a sad little boy such as yourself....All proceeds can go to a women's shelter of my choosing"
-- CM Punk, 60 seconds later.
---------------------------------------------------------
Heck of a promo, that.
The professional wrestling business has long been conflicted. Forever stuck between sport and entertainment, between theater and carnival sideshow. Oftentimes the WWE has claimed to take the moral high road, when its performers and stars very openly are less than innocent.
Take last Monday's Raw. The WWE had John Cena (the same John Cena who wears a shirt that reads RISE ABOVE HATE) publicly eviscerate a crying woman to the not-exactly-discomfort of the audience.
Currently, the website www.twitter.com (you may have heard of this thing) has been the object of the WWE's confusion. Consistently mentioned on WWE television for no apparent reason, no fan is quite sure if the WWE is "working" twitter or if twitter is "working" the WWE.
Throughout the WWE's existence in the twitterverse, CM Punk has been a central figure. This summer when Punk was the renegade heel who stole the WWE Championship, he exploded many a wrestling message board by tweeting a picture of the championship in his refrigerator.
hey just cause you're straight edge doesn't mean you can't keep a few beers in the crisper
CM Punk is extremely twitter-savvy. He seems to be fully in control of his thoughts, his words, and to that end his persona at all times. On the other hand, Chris Brown may be the least self aware person in the entire scope of entertainment. This is a man who, on Larry King Live, compared he and Rihanna to Romeo and Juliet.
Brown is best known on twitter for engaging in a war of words with A BILL WALTON DUMMY ACCOUNT. Though Brown has since expunged this disaster from his twitter feed, the intellectual donnybrook will forever be recorded for future generations thanks to a little foresight and the trusty PrtSc button
Basically, if Punk had any idea about Chris Brown's history on twitter, he had to know what was coming.
Is it because Wrestlemania is fast approaching? Is it something intrinsic in Punk? It's hardly my duty to play CM Punk's psychologist, but if I could venture a guess, maybe Punk received a bit of negative backlash for some controversial comments he made about ex-girlfriend Beth Phoenix?
Say what you will about the original tweet. My point is that the Punk response to Brown is very, very clearly a "pro wrestling promo", and it has no purpose other than stirring up controversy and gathering attention. For the WWE, for Wrestlemania, and for CM Punk.
In this humble blogger's opinion, Punk knew that. He knew this was going to cause controversy. He may not have expected it to be news a week later, but you do not throw that kind of stone expecting no ripple. CM Punk is too smart not to know that maybe, you might be hearing about it again if you say you want to Curb Stomp a celebrity on your twitter feed.
At the end of the day, all CM Punk did was get a little extra attention for the WWE. And if he had to drag a [EDITORAL] disgusting, woman beating waste of life's [/EDITORIAL] name through the mud to do it.... I say Great! I hope the bout happens. I hope it takes place in an MMA ring. I hope I can watch it. And I hope CM Punk afflicts half the damage on Brown, that Brown inflicted in February of 2009.
WARNING: the following link contains the police report, featuring graphic information about the domestic disturbance between Rihanna and Chris Brown. It really sucks to read. It's bad.
Chris Brown may or may not be an idiot. I'm no Chris Brown fan, I do not pay attention to him outside of when he is acting crazy and in the news. What I DO know, as fact? CM Punk is no idiot. He knows exactly what is going on around him.
Thanks for reading Pimp Matches, I'm Matt Ederer.
---------------------------------------------------
Rejected Headlines :
- CM Punk throws deuces up to Chris Brown
- CM Punk offers to transform Chris Brown ...into a corpse
- Chris Brown: eloquent thinker and overall gentleman
- Wrestlemania X
- March 20, 1994
- New York, NY
- Commentators: Vince McMahon, Heel Jerry Lawler
I distinctly remember watching this match as a young child. It broke me and rebuilt me from the ground up as a crazy little stuntman, like some kind of juggalo drill sergeant. I would wait until my mom wasn't home and/or looking, climb up on increasingly high platforms, and throw my patented Macho Man Elbow on invisible wrestler guys (I would bet actual human money my elbow is still much better than CM Punk's). I became a chubby seven year old Jeff Hardy pretty much the second the bell rang for this one.
Anyway that adorable anecdote is my way of saying that this was mind blowing stuff for 1994. These guys weren't regular wrestlers like you were used to seeing on Superstars. For 20 minutes, Michaels and Ramon became The Amazing Spider-Men. I know what I saw and what I saw was a way to grow up and fly for a living. Make no mistake about it, on March 20 1994, to a seven year old kid parked in front of his TV, these guys could fly.
If they gave out doctorates in professional wrestling they would teach classes about this match. It's the original show stopper from Shawn Michaels himself. It is also the original WWF slightly-hokey-spot-fest-gimmick-match, but it still tells a story and every move in the match still serves a purpose. It may look tame by today's standards (Thanks Jeff Hardy! Thanks Percocets!) but it's one of those things that you need to know about if you're gonna call yourself a true wrestling fan.
NOTEZ~!
- “Take a look at Diesel, wrestler extraordinaire and bodyguard par excellence”. Oh My FUCKING God Vince McMahon rules.
- Watch it in a vacuum. In 1994 there was nothing ever like this in the history of the WWF. Even now, you can kind of see how groundbreaking it is by how the MSG crowd is not cheering as much as it is shocked and in awe. You definitely get a taste for how good a match it is.
- FOR EXAMPLE: The baseball slide into the ladder. Now you see it in legit every single ladder match. Then it was completely new, as evidenced by the fact that Scott Hall didn’t have his hands up and took it RIGHT in the ribs.
- You ever notice how Razor Ramon never ever succeeded with the Razor’s edge near the ropes? Kind of like how HHH never succeeded with the Pedigree near the ropes.
- 5* for the moment, the stage, and what it meant to the future of pro wrestling. To me this is an easy 5 stars.
1992 April 5 - Ric Flair vs Randy Savage
- WWF Title -Wrestlemania VIII -
Indianapolis, IN
-Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan
-Ric
Flair and Mr. Perfect, with surgical precision and subtlety, suggest that
they’re going to double penetrate Miss Elizabeth in the pre-match promo. We’re
off to a great start here.
-SAVAGE
IS A WILD MAN
-No human being ever has been
better at anything than Bobby Heenan was at commentating Ric Flair matches in
1992.
-RIC.
FLAIR. BLADE. JOB. FOR. THE. WIN.
-5* for the match, the
intensity, the commentary, the blade job, the SAVAGE....The 30 minutes from
Flair promo to Flair promo is one of the best stretches in American pro
wrestling. Amazing stuff here.
The pro rasslin' is enjoying something of a quiet renaissance here in the early 2010's.
Full disclosure: I'm from the socialist paradise of Canada. Here in Canada, being a wrestling fan has been borderline accetable for a long time. Stemming from the days of the great Maple Leaf Gardens shows and the vibrant Quebec independent scene, wrestling has been a small part of our northern heritage for generations. Not unlike bacon.
Growing up, WWF aired on TSN (which is our main sports network) for years and years. Eventually both Raw and Smackdown were picked up by The Score, which is now Rogers Sportsnet 360, renamed as such because Rogers loves murdering Canadian institutions dead in cold blood, see: The Skydome becoming the ROGERS CENTRE. Oh yeah guys honestly you knocked that name out of the park you capatalist fat cat
.....sorry about that. Anyway the good people at The Score took it a step further by deciding to cover the WWE like it was a real sport. Preview shows, review shows, and a real life panel with a real life ex referee (the esteemed Jimmy F'n Korderas).
The Score is where Arda Ocal, whom you may remember him from such podcasts as the JBL show, and Renee Paquette, who can now be seen every week on Smackdown as Renee Young, got started. It's also where I got "started", if by "started" you mean "quickly finished".
I got to help out with the Aftermath blog, and am boisterously proud of that fact. It was really cool to observe something new and exciting happening from a distance, to want to become a part of it, to try really hard to join, and then be granted that opportunity. I'll always be thankful for the chance, and doubly thankful for every lesson I learned along the way. But unfortunately, when Rogers bought up The Score and that whole deal ended, I kind of got over the whole "writing about wrestling" and "speaking to humans" and "leaving the house ever again" thing.
Thankfully, folks like the hilarious OSW Review (Watch them or we aren't friends anymore :
)
coupled with my quest to figure out who the Reddit guy is (Brad Maddox?) and websites like the Wrestling Observer/Figure 4 CONGLOMERATE~! have rekindled my love for both watching copious amount of pro wrestling, and talking shit about it.
So as a way to restart this blog / assault my OCD, I decided to watch every Summerslam, and rank the individual matches , COUNTDOWN STYLE, 200-1 for your (by which I mean probably only my) reading pleasure.
Please note two things:
One -- This article only covers up to Summerslam 2012. I am planning on rewatching Summerslam 2013, as I was a little less than sober for it's majority. The main events were both amazing though and top 20 matches pretty much no question.
Two -- I'm no expert, I'm nobody in fact, I'm not even ring-trained, at best I'm a grizzled backyard wrestling veteran with numerous college diplomas nice tries. I do have the benefit of being a fan since I
was 3, way back in 1990. And I used to write for a major sports network, whatever that's worth (have I mentioned that yet?). Also, I saw a lot of this in context at least. I've seen too much wrestling in my day and before I forget it all, I want to document some of it.
Also, I'm going to try to rate matches with stars. For anybody who might be unaware, most of us pro wrestling geeks like to rate matches on a five star scale. If I give a match "five stars", it means I personally think that it's a classic, hall of fame, pretty much perfect match. That's all well and good. A lot of the stuff you read will break matches down into quarter stars, and I think that's a bit extreme. Like "No, no, no, no, actually Rob Van Dam loses a quarter star because he slipped off the top rope". I'm sure it's a mild form of Aspergers we're all sharing. I eventually decided to use half-stars and even that was so nerdy that I temporarily forgot what the female breast feels like.
Also, in my opinion, there is a difference between a nothing match (which I am calling a 0* match) and
a match that actively sucks (or a DUD). A dud has to do something special to suck more than zero. If that makes sense. Which it definitely does.
In related news, I somehow don't have a girlfriend.
SO in the 1% chance you're still reading this, You get a better sense of what I'm
actually trying to say the quality of these matches are. Again, this is just my opinion, of course. Thanks for
reading. I appreciate your time, sir or madam.
who needs a girlfriend tho AMIRITE oh god i'm so alone
THE LIST~!
THE DUDS~! - professional wrestling matches of negative value and worth to society
200. Jerry Lawler v. Jake Roberts (1996)
CLASSIC HEELIN
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect, MARK FUCKING HENRY
Mark
Henry RULES on commentary in this match. Henry audibly laughs and says
"Oh My God" when the King reveals his Baltimore Ravens Jersey. Henry is
from the outside world and rightly knows that if Lawler were walking
down the street in Cleveland in 1996 with that jersey on, he may not
make it home.
Everything Jake the Snake-recovery related
is hard for me to watch. Spoiler: he never recovers. I detested his part in Beyond the Mat,
I hate the exploitative DDP Yoga horseshit, and I hate hate hate this.
Snake
talks about knowing he needed help when he found himself wanting to die. In 1996.
At least the Punk/Jericho CM DRUNK shit was dumb and entertaining. If this had a point, it would be one thing. If this was
really
classic, funny stuff it would be one thing. I mean, Lawler gets some
decent
lines in, but it seems like this was irresponsible to do to man who was
struggling with some serious shit, in Jake the Snake. Watching Lawler
pour booze down a recovering alcoholic's throat was the worst kind of
X-pac heat I've ever seen. It made me physically ill to my own
stomach. I could imagine Jake's. I hope it was fake booze (but that Jake y'know, he was such a
pro I bet they didn't gimmick the bottle) ... I realize the idea is
that Henry would save the day and set up a match v. Jerry Lawler, but
Mark
Henry was hardly Spider Man coming to the rescue this evening. And also, not sure
this Henry push
was so effective seeing as it took the guy 15 fucking years to get over
DUD. . I really hope DDP Yoga works.
In professional wrestling, there will always be a measure of
pig-headedness and exploitation. Sometimes it's all in good fun (that Maria poster up
there) and sometimes
199. Terri Runnels v. The Kat - Thong Stinkface Match (2000)
Vote Linda McMahon in 2012.
Commentators:
Jim Ross , Jerry Lawler
Just to further alienate any female readers who happened to stumble on this blog by accident.
THE WAY TO WIN
THIS MATCH IS TO RUB YOUR ASS IN THE OPPONENTS FACE. Not unlike Flair/Steamboat.
Kat’s theme was awful. It sounds like Sable’s theme somehow fell into
the machine that slaughters cows. This song
graduated from Bovine University.
The Stinkface "match" follows the amazing first ever Tables, Ladders and Chairs match; making up maybe the single biggest two match drop off in the history
of wrestling. A top level Summerslam match followed by the worst of all
time.
Terri Runnels had some egregious fake breasts.
Perry Saturn has an
egregious fake eye
EUROPEAN CHAMPION Perry Saturn that is
Remember when WWE women only existed to have catfights and strip? I
mean, I enjoy boobs. Everybody enjoys them, regardless of gender. But could you imagine actually watching this
with a human you respected? God damn
How did Al Snow and Perry Saturn get this gig?
The ending is exactly what you think it is. Also I'm 90% sure Al Snow sexually assaulted the Kat.
DUD. Barbie dolls in a cat fight that set the female gender back
decades.
198. Undertaker v. Undertaker (1994)
I'm seein double....Four Takers!
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler
There are no words
....Dud. It's tough to watch
197. Divas Battle Royal (2007)
This isn't even the same match. Holy shit they've done more than one of these
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross
This is for the #1
contendership of the Diva’s title
Wow it's bad.
Before we go though,
shoutout to a couple things: ECW Brooke (remember her) who actually took a
bump over the top rope here in this battle royal. To Melina for one of the worst eliminations from any Royal
Rumble or Battle Royal in the history of the business..Also Beth Phoenix for winning I guess
DUD
WEBB
196. Kane v. Great Khali (2009)
The wonder of the world is gone I know for sure.
Commentators: Jim Ross, Todd Grisham
DEAR GOD
Khali has his babyface music. He’s already dancing, smiling Khali.
Well, at least the Nerve holds will be kept to a minimum here.
I wonder if I AM STOOGE? Has happened yet?.
Jim Ross says “Kane sees evil, and likes it”. I thought he Saw No
Evil.
I See your Brain Chop and raise you a Kona Crusher
......
QUOTE DAVE MELTZER: I mean, there is an excuse to put
exceedingly crappy matches on PPV if both guys are over and fans want to see
the match. But when fans don’t even want to see it, it’s like, why waste the
time.
NAILED
IT, DAVE
DUDDDDDDDDD. Worse than a nothing match. Six of the longest minutes in PPV
history.
---------------------------------------------------------- THE 0* MATCHES - Not quite a stain on the wrestling business, but matches that are there and then gone forever.
195. Matt Hardy v. Mark Henry - ECW Title (2008)
Sandman, Sabu, Van Dam, Dreamer, Raven, Funk and Henry
Commentators: Todd Grisham, FUCKING
MATT STRYKER
SHIT WE'VE ENTERED THE STRYKER YEARS
Nah Stryker's actually alright here.
I think he lost his mind once he hit Raw.
Um,
is it over?
Yeah
it’s over.
Literally
a nothing match
0*
194. Christian v. William Regal - ECW Title (2009)
Kudos to whoever took that pic, killer action shot
Commentators: Matt Stryker, Josh Mathews
One move match. That’s it up there in the picture. See? Sir William doesn’t
even get his jacket off.
Post Match sees Christian eat some finishers! Regal’s lackeys have
almost the exact same move. It’s like 80% the same at least. Even your
beatdowns are square.
At least the Regal Stretch is bad ass.
They would eventually have some great matches but you have to feel
for the guys here.
0* Shame.
193. Bad News Brown v. Ken Patera (1988)
You guys I think Bad News is angry.
Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Superstar Billy Graham
Bad News jumps the bell and I’m actually excited for this match. I
can’t remember watching too much Patera in my life.
Patera throws a clothesline as his first offensive move. It was an
extremely offensive clothesline. I know I'm offended.
Yup I’m ready to see some prime Patera because I can confirm he
had lost it by 1988
Sorry to harp but my oh my Kenny Patera has forgotten how to
throw a clothesline. If you stepped outside and clotheslined the next person
you saw, it would look better than the Patera-line. And he wouldn’t be working
with you.
Patera with a bear hug. The breakneck pace of this sprint was too
much to maintain.
Having not remembered this match (because Jesus fucking Christ) I
fully expected the typical Bad News Brown double DQ. Pleasantly surprised.
0*
not quite a dud for the ghetto blaster and because the right man actually won
with a clean finish. Still there was little to this but a bunch of shit clotheslines.
192. Nailz v. Virgil (1992)
I can tell you I would have definitely changed the channel had somebody walked in on this one.
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan
Nailz is one of the most legitimately insane people in the long
and batshit history of professional wrestling. Should be fun!
.....
Wellp Nailz’ offense is not good
0*
just there, nothing match. Nailz is fucking boring bros. Nailzzzzzzzz
191. Bushwackers v. Natural Disasters (1991)
Just realized it's kind of tasteless to use the Princess Bride quote here
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan, Roddy Piper
Bushwhackers have three stooges offense.
Heenan line. What kind of strategy would you give the
Bushwackers? Full deadpan: “Well, if I managed the Bushwhackers, I
would commit suicide”.
Lots of stalling, basic clubbering, managieral hijinks.
OH NO WATCH OUT ANDRE oh good lol LOD shows up to massive cheers.
That was the highlight of this match by a wide margin.
0*
Imagine the Sheepherders in 1991 WWF?
-----------------------------------------
THE 0.5* MATCHES - I thank you for and totally appreciate the effort but also I don't ever want to see that ever again under any circumstance ever
190. Alicia Fox v. Melina - Diva's Title (2010)
Commentators:
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Matt Stryker
Alicia Fox's HOT IN HURR knockoff theme is
among the worst in the history of pro wrestling.
Melina is wearing Saba Simba’s gear this evening because yeah
sure
They work fake referee injury spots in. You can tell it’s fake because
the acting is so shit and the selling is so sporadic.
Beth Phoenix : gone.
Kharma: toast.
Sara Del Rey : wasted as a trainer.
Trish Stratus: off makin yoga babies.
Alicia Fox: STILL EMPLOYED
This was going decently alright until Melina’s spot. And then it
falls off a massive Cliff. A Cliff Robinson.
I’M GONNA DUCK BUT THEN STILL MATRIX ANYWAY
Melina cries post match and I don’t believe that either.
I sat through the post-match promo. The acting is bottom of the barrel, the writing is degrading and
embarrassing to both genders (because you know a man is writing it and it’s sad
that this is somebody’s idea of femininity), and if you were watching this
while someone walked in the room, you would have a lot of explaining to do. The
only way this shit could possibly have been enjoyed is ironically. At least the
WWE embraces it now with Total Divas.
0.5*
it’s not good. There are small nuggets of good though
189. Batista v. Great Khali - World Heavyweight Title (2007)
As you can tell Batista was quite excited to be working with Khali.
Commentators : Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler
Wellp.
At least Batista works
hard and tries to get something out of Khali, but if you’ve ever heard Bob
Tister on observer radio you know that even he hated these matches.
KHALI NERVE HOLD
KHALI CHOP
Khali’s wrestling style
is actually the primary supplier of Melatonin in the United States.
Yup here’s another Pinchy
crab hold.
NOT THE CHAIR~! Said the crowd at a fever pitch.
And we’re done here.
0.5* I respect Batista for doing what he could
but there is no reason to ever watch this.
188. Nikolai Volkoff & Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Orient Express (1990)
Never mind Vince, I wonder if the makeup guy thinks he was doing something racist?
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper
Jesus pillow fighting Christ the #MERICA babyfaces start with
America the Beautiful and it’s among the worst things in the history of pro
wrestling and the American nation.
Honestly I need to use another note to explain how bad it is. It’s
a heated Philadelphia crowd in 1990 in the height of the Gulf War, and they had
JUST seen Sergeant Slaughter cut an anti-American promo, and they couldn’t even
get behind it. They started to sing once a pro-USA propoganda video
started playing, but before that, every single person in that arena thought
this was a joke.
ALL TIME HORRIBLE SINGING
PERFORMANCE THAT IS SOMEHOW SWEET IN ITS AWFULNESS.
This matchwas a whole
lot of nothing.
0.5*
Pat Tanaka was a good worker, spectacular bumper. Minus a minimum of seven hundred stars for
that anthem. Good heavens.
187. Don Muraco v. Dino Bravo (1988)
Really enjoying these sweet 80's Summerslam graphics.
Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Superstar Billy Graham, BOBBY HEENAN! Yes!
Heenan shows up on commentary and good god damn this match might
be saved.
Muraco shows up wearing the tie die and looking like he was trained
by a fucking tire inflator. Honestly he looks swole with it, brotha. Gorilla
says something to the effect of “Superstar, you really gave him what he
needed”. Yeah, ALL OF THE STEROIDS!
Summerslam 1988 has not been a good show for the most part.
0.5*
for Frenchy and Bobby on commentary and a lot of different things but not the
technical prowess of these two athletes.
186. Bolsheviks v. Powers of Pain (1988)
PICTURED: Manager of the year?
Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Superstar Billy Graham
The Powers of Pain are now managed by Baron Von Raschke for some
reason. ...Allright.
While I'm at it, Slick and the Big Scary Russians are a strange pairing. Like how
the fuck did they get together?
I do
not believe that the Bolsheviks’ goal was to have good matches.
Lots of clubbering but not even fun clubbering. Slow clubbering. Sad
clubbering. Seal clubbering. That “old guy in the club” clubbering.
0.5
* Hard to call it a dud, butthis is one
of Summerslam’s most missable matches.
185. Crush v. Repo Man (1992)
Doink, Brah
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan
This
is what’s known as the “Its fcking hot out, let’s go have a piss then” match
Fun
little squash here. This was at least better than the Nailz match
0.5* DEMOLITION EXPLODES!~
184. Alundra Blayze v. Bertha Faye - Women's Title (1995)
wellp horizontal rainbow stripes are the most slimming
COMMENTATORS: Vince McMahon, Heel Jerry
Lawler:
Mercifully Lawler and McMahon cool it with the
fat jokes on Bertha. Could you imagine her coming around today?
Dad calling Mom "Bertha Faye" generally was a fight ender.
far more effective a finisher than Alundra's german suplex.
I want to like her but Faye just kinda sucks and is a GOD AWFUL promo.
Shit powerbomb for the win
0.5*
Alundra worked really hard and then jobbed to a shit awful wrestler. Bertha is
hardly the Earthquake.
183. Oddities v. KaiEnTai (1998)
still want to see him drop the Earthquake on the Cartman doll
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler
Oh lord I have no recollection of this one. The
ICP came out and I almost threw up. Juggalowned.
DID YOU KNOW: Golga was the friggin Earthquake? Sadly the idiot in
the Cartman shirt is the worker of the group.
What in the fucking hell was that shoe spot? I
don’t even know how but I think it was racist.
I KNOW that Kurrgan was pulling some racist shit
in there, going down to his knees and mock bowing to KaienTai.
JR----“Well, we never advertised this to be a
classic”
Giant
Silva is on the Mount Rushmore of 7 foot suckies with The Giant Gonzalez, The
Great Khali, and Andrea Bargnani.
THIS IS GIVEN FAR TOO MUCH TIME. If this
happened today it would be over in two minutes and possibly less racist in tone?
Ah well, Dick Togo got a PPV payoff at least.
DOUBLE DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! QUADRUPLE SPLASH FINISH
KaienTai fly around and Golga is awesome enough
to save this from being a dud, but this is Wrestlecrap incarnate.
fuck sakes now I have to hear the ICP again.
0.5* because lil’ asain dudes flying around will always be entertaining but there
was a whole lot of shit in this.
182. Undertaker v. Giant Gonzales - Rest in Peace Match (1993)
Cried honest to god tears of terror when this guy killed The Undertaker at Rumble 93
Commentators: Vince McMahon,
Bobby Heenan
This is all Undertaker. And awkward ringside brawling.
Gonzalez is bad. It’s weird though. He’s worse than Khali, but not
as immobile or unintelligible. He can physically move at least. But yet,
somehow Khali seemed like a scary beast in his prime and Gonzalez seems like a
douchebag in a monkey suit.
Not a lot to it but they pull out the proverbial bells and
whistles and make it at least watchable. It’s better than Mania IX and not the
worst match ever. That’s a plus, sadly.
Looking ahead as I started to do this, I assumed Undertaker would
be getting three duds in a row from 92-94. It’s a testament to his ability that
the last two years, he was able to get anything at all out of two
of the worst pro wrestlers in the history of the business. Having said that, oh
fucking god Summerslam 1994
0.5*
for the Taker. Good show sir
181. Undertaker v. Kamala (1992)
PICTURED: Racism.
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan
Goooot to give the
peeeeeeople.......what they waaaaaaaaant.
QUOTE:
YOU
TAKE THAT SARCASTIC TONE OUT OF YOUR VOICE WHEN YOU INTRODUCE ME, LITTLE MAN.
NEXT TIME I’ll KNOCK YOU OUT!
...little man?
ABOUT
TO BE LED DOWN THE AISLE BY KIM CHEE. FROM THE DARK CONTINENT OF AFRICA (ed’s note: uh?). TO THE BRIGHT LIGHTS
OF THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION (ok I
see what you meant that’s a little better I guess). THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF
WEMBLEY STADIUM. AND THE BRIGHT SPOTLIGHT OF SUMMERSLAM. I WANT EVERYBODY TO
SHOW PROPER RESPECT FOR THE LORD OF THE JUNGLE (nope that’s just straight racist dog). THE UGANDAN GIANT. THE
MIGHTY KAMALA.
Undertaker’s
entrance with the hearse, in front of 80,000, is simple and awesome.
KAMALA
SCURRED.
The
gimmick here is that Kamala = scurred and Undertaker fights his managers and
then does some wrestling moves, most of which after the bell. That’s the entire
match.
I
spent more time transcribing Harvey Wippleman’s intro than I ever want to spend
thinking about this wrestling match again.
*0.5 The start of an unparalled 3 year
stretch of shit sandwiches for the Undertaker’s Summerslam lunchbox.
180. Hercules v. Greg Valentine (1989)
Commentators:
Jesse Ventura, Tony Schiavone
This
is the famous “Rugged Ronnie Garvindoes
the ring introductions” match. Quick name me one OTHER thing that happens in this
match. And you can’t say Garvin Interferes.
Oh my
god it’s over already
The
post and pre match are SO much better than the actual match here
0.5*
barely. The post match shenanigans are a shit load of fun and woke the crowd
back up.
179. Jake Roberts v. Bad News Brown (1990)
oh he mad
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper
Bad News was 20 years before his time. If he would have come
around in the mid 90’s he would have been a great hardcore wrestler who
probably would have multiple scars at the hands of New Jack.
Shit’s racist?
Missed DDT attempts = ratings.
Jake the Snake was so amazing.
Bad News Brown was not quite that
0.5*
for Jake’s babyface antics and Bad News Brown legitimately detesting snakes.
They really liked to fuck with this poor guy. Shit’s most certainly racist.
178. Rick Rude v. JYD (1988)
HOPEFULLY the last time I search the internet for a picture of Rick Rude's crotch
Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Superstar Billy Graham
Rude can be awesome (See: Summerslam 1989) and also he can be god
awful (See: v. Jake Roberts at Mania IV, pretty much all the Jake Roberts
matches, Summerslam 1988)
GRAB DEM CAKES
Rude is a bump machine.
There are very few moves in the history of wrestling that look like they hurt less than
the JYD’s crawling headbutts, but the crowd loves them so what the fuck.
Rude’s bumping and selling saves this match. Wobbly wooble wobble legs
for the headbutts.
Rude’s tights reveal is classic stuff. He started with the classic
“wear my opponent’s face on my ass for some reason” fashion strategy, but then
midway through the match (while on the top rope no less) he pulled down his
JYD tights to reveal his brand new, “here’s my rival’s wife’s face on my balls”
number.
0.5*
with a super angry and awesome post match.
177. Hacksaw Duggan & Bushawckers v. Mountie & Nasty Boys (1992)
There will be no objectivity when discussing The Mountie here at Pimp Matches
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan
Lol
Heenan whistling
It
was the “get everybody to your seat and get some popcorn” match
The
Bushwhackers had some bushwacky offense boy
0.5*
fun but long and dragged a tad.
176. Smoking Gunns v. Blu Brothers (1995)
COMMENTATORS: Vince McMahon, Heel Jerry
Lawler:
ZEB COLTER SIGHTING!@ Back then he was still Uncle Zebekiah. It's funny to imagine that he was secretly a Tea Party racist in kayfabe this whole time.
Bad Ass Billy Gunn was p. good for a long time.
Not a heck of a lot to this
0.5* The Smoking Gunns had some nice tag moves. A good finish to a
nothing match.
175. Undertaker & Kane v. DDP & Kanyon - Cage Match, WWF Tag Titles v. WCW Tag Titles (2001)
Another fantastic action shot here.
Commentators:
Jim Ross, Paul Heyman
This is a violent WCW snuff film. Take THAT Ted Turner
DDP stalked the Undertaker’s wife even though his own wife is significantly hotter and in movies.
Hey Taker how did that SARA tattoo work out?
Kanyon takes a bump off the cage before the smoke has even cleared
from the Undertaker’s entrance. Jesus Christ. That guy, man. He was
pretty cool in the ring.
Absolute squashtoberfest. DDP went straight to the undercard never to
be seen again, after this. Kanyon should have been so lucky.
0.5*
Not a dud but close. It’s ridiculously one sided. Kane and Undertaker were so
dominant that it was sad after a while. I felt for Kanyon and especially Page. Who would want to watch Goliath brutalize David
for 15 minutes?
174. The Rock v. Billy Gunn - Kiss My Ass Match (1999)
This one's worth a thousand words.
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler
SOMEHOW this didn’t get Billy Gunn over
In an all time wrestlecrap angle, Billy Gunn
brings out a, shall we say, bigger woman and tries to make the Rock kiss her ass. Of course, you know this has to end up w/Billy Gunn's face all up in there.
OHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP HIS FACE! HER ASS! Wompity womp.
The work is decent, it’s hard for these two guys
to not be entertaining in 1999. Still, this is embarrassing and if you ever
watched this with a nonfan, it would ruin your relationship with that person.
Jim
Ross gets in a beautifully deadpanned “The Rock just put Billy Gunn’s face... in that
large woman’s ass!” at least.
0.5* the bad far outweighs the good.
173. HHH v. Great Khali - WWE Title (2008)
Khalice, Tabarnac
Commentators: Tazz, Jim Ross
HHH looks vulnerable here.
LOUD YOU CANT WRESTLE CHANTS for the Khali.
This is the typical Khali match. Nerve Hold, Kona Crusher, chop
chop babyface comeback. Some stuff in between, but not a whole lot of stuff. It’s
HHH and not Batista, so true to form we get a slightly better match, and of
course Khali jobs clean.
Hunter hits the worst pedigree ever and poses for a fucking hour.
Chill out, Hulk.
0.5*
HHH done did what he could. This went 4 minutes less than match that followed it, but
felt about 25 minutes longer.
THE 1* MATCHES- matches that can't really be called "good" by the accepted definition of the word, but that retain a certain watchability or historical significance.
(I'm being told via the spellcheck sgwiggly red line that both "watchability" and "sgwiggly" aren't words).
172. Chris Benoit v. Orlando Jordan - US Title (2005)
I wonder what willywrestlefest.fr is, but not enough to actually check it out
Commentators:
Michael Cole, Tazz
Remember this one?
1* Earns a star for the moment. The crowd
goes absolutely ape shit. A poor man’s Warrior/Honky. WWE was very clever at keeping
Benoit at a high level after his title win. He was noticeably a step up from
his midcard days and was treated more seriously than a midcarder. for a long time, he was the definition of an upper midcard babyface. Stuff like this is a great
example . That's not to praise Benoit, I just wish they would do that again.
171. Ivory v. Tori - Women's Title (1999)
vividly remember having some romantic moments with this picture when I was 14
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler
Wow.The buildup for this one was p. interesting.
Ivory beat up Tori and wrote SLUT on her stomach in shoe polish. Ivory, 1, Tori, 0
Lawler goes a bat shit in this match.
He BURIES Tori and ....that... move she does. Which is actually kind of a bad ass throw.
This match doesn’t have an “ending” per se.
Ivory was a miracle worker to have produced
something this good. I want Ivory v Alundra Blaze for some reason.
1* GIANT SWING
170. Smoking Gunns v. New Rockers v. Body Donnas v. Godwinns - Tag Team Titles (1996)
PICTURED: Hard Times for Marty Jannetty
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect
Sunny’s outfit is far and away the highlight of
this match
Billy Gunn turned heel and just decided to start
screaming at the fans to get booed. I don’t think it’s that easy there
Rockbilly.
Not a ton to it. Skip didn’t even get into
the match which sucks because he was probably the best guy in there at that
time. I mean he did come to the ring in a neck brace though.
Hard for these matches to be *boring*, but I
literally already forget the entire match and finish.
1* Sunny is the best part of this 1996
tag team division.
169. Dusty Rhodes v. Randy Savage (1990)
Too bad we never got a proper Savage/Dusty match
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper
Savage
cuts what is one of my new favorite Savage promos, from mid-air in his portable
MACHO KING throne, while jobbers hold him up, and Sean Mooney teeters back and
forth on a rickety stool. Fucking tremendous. Eleventy million constellations.
Million
Dollar Man cuts the most Million-Dollar-Manish promo in the history of his career.
Honestly this is so 80’s cheesy supervillian it’s almost hilarious. Awesome
stuff
Then
Sapphire comes out, wearing the most ridiculous fur coat they possibly could
have found.
They
do almost nothing, Savage eats a few bionic elbows but for the most part
controls the match
Wham bam
purse in the face and yup that’s a waste of some classic Macho Man. Ah well, I
still got my new favorite promo ever.
More
of an angle than a match
1*
I think old DiBiase overpaid for Sapphire you guys
168. Dudley Boys v. La Resistance - World Tag Team Titles (2003)
Would be a pretty bad ass pic if they weren't making the two stupidest faces ever recorded on the internet
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler
The Dudleys jump the
bell because Jesus Christ you have to do something to make this match exciting
Bubba Dudley slapped
the shit out of guys like “How DARE you be younger and better looking than me?! *SLAP!*”
This is every single
Raw tag team match ever.
Bubba’s offense is
weird. Like he thinks he’s the baddest, toughest fucking guy but his moveset is all slaps
and an ass breaker.
D-von! Vas donc
Cherché la table!
Lawl is that the
camera man from King of the Ring 1993?
It’s a Raw match with
an angle because PPV.
1* Raw is Worn
167. RTC v. Too Cool (2000)
It's no Steven RichardS. We're allowed one.
Commentators:
Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler
Violence against women = HEEL HEAT. Not very Good of you Mr.
Goodfather.
This is every Too Cool Raw match I ever saw.
Awesome finish
1* They stuck to their same old thing but it was decent and it got the crowd excited.
166. DOA v. Los Baricuas (1997)
Sick bandana brah
Commentators: Vince McMahon,
Jim Ross, Heel Jerry Lawler
The Baricuas had a god damn awful theme.
Crush, Brian Lee and the Harris brothers might honestly be the
least talented stable of all time in any promotion.
It sounds like their theme is saying On’y Vas!
Wait, the DOA has the single worst theme ever. It sounds something
Patrick Swayze would roundhouse a jukebox over.
Nation of Domination comes out and JR and Lawler make awkward
racial comments.
Ahmed Johnson hits no shit, the single worst powerbomb of all time
on Chainz on the outside.
AND we get a classic brawl to the back
Crush tries to run everybody the fuck over because hey why not its not like he's never been to jail
1*
If only there were wild ass hardcore matches at this point.
165. Papa Shango v. Tito Santana (1992)
Papa Shang-Oh Face
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan
“Shango” kept trying to autocorrect to “shanty” on my phone for
some reason
Heenan gets a couple funny cracks in at Finkel's expense. Poor Finkel
Tito Santana in control is great. Shango is slow. Papa Shangslow
Wow they let Papa Shanty kick out of the flying jalapeno
Tito eats a fairly unsafe looking shoulderbreaker and Bob’s your
uncle.
1* a homelessly poor man’s Tito/Barbarian
164. Dusty Rhodes v. Honky Tonk Man (1989)
Click it and stick it around for the first two minutes for a batshit crazy cocaine-fueled hurricane of a Dusty Rhodes promo.
Commentators:
Jesse Ventura, Tony Schiavone
What in
the goddamn hell was this promo to start?
Insane Rambling Dusty
Wacky match with shit action but it gets both
guys over
Hahah concussion humour. Honky gets knocked out
and he thinks he’s Elvis and Jimmy Hart is Priscilla. Lawlz.
1*
this is the 80’s
163. Ted DiBiase v. Jimmy Snuka (1989)
I'd get married in that fucking suit if I could
Commentators:
Jesse Ventura, Tony Schiavone
Our “You going for a piss over theh? I’m goin for
a piss ova heah” match of the evening.
Snuka is wearing some fantastic tights for the
PPV
DiBiase was a crisp wrestler. His shit looked
great.
The “Self-Proclaimed” Million Dollar Champion wins
a quick one.
1*
Snuka wasn’t exactly Kenta Kobashi at this point.
162. Mr. Perfect v. Red Rooster (1989)
He's significantly better than his son
Commentators:
Jesse Ventura, Tony Schiavone
Pre music and apparently pre-entrance for Mr. Perfect
The rumours are that Perfect and Terry Taylor
were hired on the same day, and that the Mr. Perfect gimmick originally was
supposed to go to Terry Taylor. Those rumours have also apparently been
squashed by Terry himself and that story is not true. Thank god I kept this note in.
Perfect looks like the babyface here. The crowd
agrees
Taylor apparently blew his knee out in the middle
of this match and they kind of had to go right into the finish. That explains
the awkwardness.
1*
a very watchable one star match, Perfect was awesome.
161. Tatanka v. Lex Luger (1994)
Single tear.
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler
Why do Luger’s clotheslines not also kill his opponent? His
forearms are mega death blows but his clotheslines are normal? The fuq?
Lawler mentions DiBiase on commentary and he magically appears. I
wonder if that was his cue?
OH SNAP TATANKA HEEL TURN
1* not a ton to this except the
moderately alright heel turn. I was pissed when this happened, for whatever
reason I really liked Tatanka.
160. Berzerker v. Tatanka (1992)
HAAAANNHHHHHHH
Commentators:
Vince McMahon, Bobby Heenan
Got to give the people.......what they waaaant.
Heenan is on absolute fire with the racist 90’s commentary here.
Berzerker aka John Nord was an amazing bumper for his size and a
very agile guy. He was entertaining to watch.
PAPOOSE TO GO
1*
for Heenan and Berzerker Bumps and Tatanka who was one of my favorites growing up. Wildly
biased but I really thought this was good. This is the best coliseum add on.
COUNTERPOINT: it’s all chops and the Berzerker was shit.
159. IRS v. Greg Valentine (1991)
^ looks WAY more like Bray Wyatt than IRS does
Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan & Roddy Piper
The
“youse guys wanna go for a piss? I’m gonna go bleed the lizz-id” match
Not
much to it, but I enjoy Valentine’s clubbering.
1*
this will be in the muck of forgettable matches.
158. CM Punk, Joey Mercury & Luke Gallows v. Big Show (2010)
Is Serena the hottest bald girl of all time? Srs question.
Commentators:
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Matt Stryker
Stryker
is fucking insufferable in this match.
Big
Show has logged a lot of hours being a giant and is awesome at it.
Not
a lot to see here. Big Show gets clubbered until his comeback and Punk runs
away while he chokeslams his flunkies on top of each other. Which was p. cool.
1*WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
157. CM Punk v. John Morrison - ECW Title (2007)
lol John Morrison. You had the worst nicknames.
Commentators : Tazz, Joey Styles
Hilarious note I felt I had to include: I googled "Punk Morrison" to get the above picture. A bleacher report article came up named "MORRISON PUNK: MODERN DAY MICHAELS/HART?".
*ahem*. Allow me to respond in the form of a bodyguard diving in front of a speeding bullet.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is a disappointing match that
doesn’t get out of the gate really. It’s not the abomination it’s been rated as
but it’s nothing you need to see.
John Morrison: The guru of greatness/shaman of sexy/ ayatollah of attractiveness / George Bush of being good looking. How much weed do you think this guy is smoking in California these days? Guy grew up in Palos Verdes ffs. John Morrison and RVD walk into a 7-11....
John Morrison: The High Chief of getting high, chief.
Weird and awkward ending, JoMo can
barely reach the ropes for the dirty pin.
There’s an alternate universe where
Chris Benoit never went crazy and he’s feuding with CM Punk on this show
y’know. And far more importantly three humans weren’t gruesomely murdered.
1* Skippable unless you’re making a history of CM
Punk DVD.
156. Big Show v. Sabu - Extreme Rules - ECW Title (2006)
They should have held every WWECW show at The Hammerstein
Commentators:
Joey Styles, Tazz
SO MANY BOTCHES
Remember when we didn’t have to specify that an
ECW match had no rules? Ah well.
Big Show kicking through a chair as if to say
“Fuck your triple jump moonsault” is the spot of this match, honestly. It’s not
even a move but it’s the best thing in this match.
Show yells FUCK THIS audibly. They bleep five
seconds of nothing a moment too late. Good work team.
Ugh I fucking hate that chair through. Christ
almighty though it makes a really fun noise.
The camera captures a lot of kayfabe-breaking
talking going on here.
Actually the entire end spot Sabu does with the
table is a destruction of kayfabe. What the fuck are you even trying Sabu? I’m not
saying I would have done the same but I can see why Vince McMahon pulled the plug on this ECW
thing.
A sloppy digsuting botch filled mess that you
can’t take your eyes off of. Car Crash Rasslin. But not the good kind, like TLC. The bad kind. Like an actual car crash.
1* Not sure I ever want to see this one again
either. Was going on with Summerslam 2006?
155. Jake Roberts v. Hercules (1988)
The line between "wrestler" and "gay pirate barbarian" was blurrier in the 80's.
Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Superstar Billy Graham
Roberts is awesome in this match. Usually he’s a smarmy dickhead
heel but here Jake plays an intelligent, clever babyface. It’s fun.
Herc is slow and his offense varies between Oops sorry man did I
accidentally hurt you with this? And Headlock.
So many headlocks. It’s like the joke that’s not funny but you
repeat so fucking much it becomes hilarious. This has astrange watchability about it.
Jake carries Hercules kicking and screaming to a good, no decent,
no WATCHABLE match. No it’s perfectly fine. Just a whole lot of headlock.
1*IF you can accept the headlock as a strategic
maneuver, this was a fine wrestling match. I understand if you fell asleep.
154. John Cena v. Booker T (2004)
Get a haircut, hippie
-Commentators:
Michael Cole, Tazz
This is every Cena/Booker Smackdown match from
the mid 00’s. Booker was a fun worker, but he wasn’t Mitsuharu Misawa. This
matchup would usually be average at best.
CAMEL CLUTCH. This is *right* before the days of
Muhammad Hassan.
Slow and the crowd is quiet throughout.
Spinarooni into a banana peel FU and oh snap
this one’s over.
1* Even if you’ve never seen this, you’ve
seen it.
153. Big Bossman v. Koko B. Ware (1988)
Big ol' Boss Man
-Commentators:
Gorilla Monsoon, Superstar Billy Graham
*Big* being the operative term for the Boss Man here this evening.
Boss Man was still a huskier Harris in August of 1988. Good for the man
for losing that weight. Cocaine is a hell of a
drug.
“Koko giving away a lot of weight here”. Gorilla Monsoon ladies and gentlemen.
Big Boss man went over strong here and Koko still looked good.
This was fine midcard squash-ish fodder.
1*
Good stuff compared to the absolute concussion that was Muraco/Bravo and basically everything earlier on the card.
152. Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior v. Sgt. Slaughter, Gen. Adnan, and Cnl Mustafa (1991)
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan & Roddy Piper
Slowwww and boring
This is not very good. I’d say it’s worse than the
Savage/Hogan/Liz’s arse match and the Why the fuck is Deebo fighting Brutus
Beefcake? match.
1*
For Warrior running to the back never to be seen again.
151. Diesel v. Mabel - WWF Title (1995)
COMMENTATORS: Vince McMahon, Dok fucking
Hendrix encore:
In the first three seconds, Mabel hits a
shoulderblock and yells “IM GONNA BE THE FIRST BLACK CHAMPION”. Lol welp I got
some bad news for ya champ.
I wonder if he could have been a Mark Henry
babyface is his younger and more agile days? Young Viscera was not quite
Yokozuna in there but he could still like, physically move.
Diesel works really hard.
If you watch this match, they actually work
their asses off and get a pretty decent match out of each other at the start.
Then Mabel
SITS RIGHT ON HIS BACK
Jesus fucking Christ Mabel. Growing up I was the
fat kid who got a little carried away and ended up hurting someone p. often
actually. SO I feel bad for him a little, but god damn it Mabel you idiot you don’t
do that.
Match is overbooked with run ins and some Lex
Luger bullshit I forget, also action wise it hits a wall post-Nash injury. But
it’s still the best King Mabel match I can remember, which by the accepted
definition of the word is not a compliment.
It’s a testament to anybody who wants to argue
that Kevin Nash was a good worker. This was way way way way way better than I
was expecting. Nash is actually alright and considering the circumstance and
the injury and whatever this was a damn good performance from Big Daddy Cool. Still,
a boring, sloppy, weirdly booked match with a god damn shit awful finish,
providing an anticlimactic end to a decent PPV
1* surprisingly watchable.
150. Shane McMahon v. Eric Bischoff - Falls Count Anywhere (2003)
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Tazz
If you’re gonna book
Shane McMahon to be a scary ass kicker, do it against Eric Bischoff for the
love of fuck.
Uh Coachman heel turn?
That’s still surprising and I know it’s coming. Now that he’s on ESPN it’s
pretty much known that he has charisma, but this was mindblowing at the time. The internet exploded with COACH
LOLOLOLOOOOLOLOL
Bischoff said the shit
word!
Say what you will
about Austin in 2003, but god damn the people loved him. That glass breaking
gets a hell of a pop. Coach has a fantastic “Oh shit” face.
Shane-O hits his OMGEE
elbow and everybody goes home happy.
1* it’s all smoke and mirrors but they do
a good job of making something memorable out of Shane McMahon/Eric Bischoff
149. King Booker v. Batista - World Heavyweight Title (2006)
148. Tito Santana v. Warlord (1990)
147. Mr. Perfect v. Texas Tornado - IC Title (1990)
146. Lex Luger v. Yokozuna - WWF Title (1993)
145. Randy Orton v. John Cena - WWE Title (2009)
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1.5* (16)
144. Natural Disasters v. Beverly Brothers - Tag Team Titles (1992)
143. Al Snow v. Big Bossman - Hardcore Title (1999)
142. Ken Shamrock v. Steve Blackman - Lion's Den Weapons Match (1999)
141. Ted DiBiase v. Razor Ramon (1993)
140. Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Darren Young & Titus O'Neil - Tag Team Titles (2012)
139. Godwins v. LOD (1997)
138. Goldust v. Brian Pillman - If Pillman Loses He Must Wear A Dress (1997)
137. Jeff Jarrett v. Mabel (1994)
136. Jack Swagger v. MVP (2009)
135. Undertaker v. A-Train (2003)
134. X-Pac v. Road Dogg (2000)
133. Dolph Ziggler v. Kofi Kingston - IC Title (2010)
132. Jerry Lawler v. Tazz (2000)
131. Rey Mysterio v. Chavo Guerrero (2006)
130. Ludvig Borga v. Marty Jannetty (1993)
129. Mark Henry v. Sheamus (2011)
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2* (23)
128. Money Inc v. LOD (1992)
127. Headshrinkers v. Bam Bam Bigelow & IRS (1994)
126. HHH v. Bob Spark Plug Holly (1995)
125. Ricky Steamboat, Texas Tornado & British Bulldog v. Warlord & Power & Glory (1991)
124. Owen Hart v. Savio Vega (1996)
123. LOD v. Nasty Boys - No Disqualification - Tag Team Titles (1991)
122. Chris Jericho v. Edge v. Batista - IC Title (2004)
121. Kane v. Rey Mysterio - World Heavyweight Title (2010)
120. British Bulldog v. Sid (1996)
119. British Bulldog v. Ken Shamrock - If Bulldog Loses He Must Eat Dog Food (1997)
118. Randy Orton v. Hulk Hogan (2006)
117. Mankind v. New Age Outlaws - Hardcore Handicap Match - Tag Tiles (1998)
116. Undertaker v. Kama - Casket Match (1995)
115. Shawn Michaels v. Mr. Perfect - IC Title (1993)
114. Chyna & Eddy Guerrero v. Trish Stratus & Val Venis - IC Title (2000)
113. 1-2-3 Kid v. IRS (1993)
112. Big Bossman, Akeem & Andre the Giant v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Demolition (1989)
111. HHH v. Steve Austin v. Mankind - Special Ref: Jesse Ventura - WWF Title (1999)
110. CM Punk v. JBL - World Heavyweight Title (2008)
109. Kane v. Daniel Bryan (2012)
108. Goldust v. Wildman Marc Mero (1996)
107. Undertaker v. Test (2002)
106. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake v. Randy Savage & ZEUS~! (1989)
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2.5* (25) weird.
105. Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage v. Ted DiBiase & Andre the Giant (1988)
104. British Bulldogs v. Fabulous Rougeau Bros (1988)
103. Rey Mysterio, Paul London & Billy Kidman v. The Dudley Boys (2004)
102. X-Pac v. Jeff Jarrett - Hair v. Hair Match (1998)
101. Marc Mero & Jacqueline v. Edge & Sable - Mixed Tag (1998)
100. Ultimate Warrior v. Honky Tonk Man - IC Title (1988)
99. Ultimate Warrior v. Rick Rude - Steel Cage Match - WWF Title (1990)
98. Steve Austin v. Owen Hart - IC Title - If Austin Loses He Must Kiss Owen's Ass (1997)
97. Barry Horowitz v. Skip (1995)
96. Kelly Kelly v. Beth Phoenix - Diva's Title (2011)
95. Ken Shamrock v. Owen Hart - Lion's Den Match (1998)
94. Rhyno v. Chris Jericho (2001)
93. Lance Storm & Christian v. Booker T & Goldust - Tag Team Titles (2002)
92. Kane v. Finlay (2007)
91. TAG TEAM TURMOIL (1999)
90. Rob Van Dam v. Kane - No Holds Barred (2003)
89. HHH v. Eugene (2004)
88. Ric Flair v. Chris Jericho (2002)
87. Kurt Angle v. Eugene (2005)
86. JBL v. Batista - No Holds Barred (2005)
85. Santino Marella & Beth Phoenix v. Kofi Kingston & Mickie James - WINNER TAKE ALL MATCH (2008)
84. APA & Spike Dudley v. Test & Other Dudleys (2001)
83. Shawn Michaels v. Rick Martel - Can't Punch Each Other In The Face Match (1992)
82. Earthquake v. Hulk Hogan (1990)
81. Undertaker v. JBL - WWE Title (2004)
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3* (29)
80. HHH & Shawn Michaels v. Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes (2009)
79. Tatanka & Smoking Gunns v. Bam Bam Bigelow & Headshrinkers (1993)
78. Kofi Kingston, Rey Mysterio & John Morrison v. Alberto Del Rio, Miz & R-Truth (2011)
77. D-Lo Brown v. Jeff Jarrett - EUROCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH (1999)
76. Chavo Guerrero v. Rey Mysterio (2007)
75. Alundra Blayze v. Bull Nakano - Women's Title (1994)
74. Chris Jericho & Big Show v. Cryme Time - UNIFIED Tag team Titles (2009)
73. Miz v. Rey Mysterio (2012)
72. Val Venis v. D-Lo Brown - European Title (1998)
71. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho (2012)
70. HHH v. Booker T (2007)
69. Randy Orton v. Sheamus - WWE Title (2010)
68. Umaga v. Carlito v. Kennedy - IC Title (2007)
67. CM Punk v. John Cena v. Big Show - WWE Title (2012)
66. Big Bossman v. Mountie - Jailhouse Match (1991)
65. Edge v. Lance Storm - IC Title (2001)
64. Test v. Shane McMahon - Love Her Or Leave Her Match (1999)
63. Rock v. HHH v. Kurt Angle - WWF Title (2000)
62. Demolition v. Hart Foundation - 2/3 Falls - Tag Team Titles (1990)
61. Rockers & Tito Santana v. Fabulous Rougeaus & Rick Martel (1989)
60. Steve Blackman v. Shane McMahon - Hardcore Title (2000)
59. ELIMINATION CHAMBER~! (2003)
58. Rockers v. Power & Glory (1990) ***
57. Diesel v. Razor Ramon - IC Title (1994)
56. Virgil v. Ted DiBiase - Million Dollar Title (1991)
55. Tajiri v. X-Pac - Cruiser Title v Lightweight Title (2001)
54. Jeff Hardy v. MVP (2008)
53. HHH & Shawn Michaels v. Vince & Shane McMahon (2006)
52. Matt Hardy v. Edge (2005)
---------------------------------------------------------------
3.5* (21)
51. Undertaker v. Randy Orton (2005)
50. Demolition v. Hart Foundation - Tag Team Titles (1988) ***
49. Undertaker v. Steve Austin - WWF Title (1998)
48. The Rock v. Booker T - WCW Title (2001)
47. 1-2-3 Kid v. Hakushi (1995)
46. Bret Hart v. Isaac Yankem (1995)
45. Daniel Bryan v. Wade Barrett (2011)
44. Hart Foundation v. Brain Busters (1989)
43. Bret Hart v. Undertaker - Special Ref: Shawn Michaels - WWF Title (1997)
42. John Cena v. Edge - WWE Title (2006)
41. Eddy Guerrero v. Tajiri v. Rhyno v. Chris Benoit - Us Title (2003)
40. X-Pac & Kane v. Undertaker & Big Show - Tag Team Titles (1999) ***
39. Sheamus v. Alberto Del Rio - World Heavyweight Title (2012)
38. Nexus v. Team WWE- Elimination Match (2010)
37. Undertaker v. Mankind - Boiler Room Brawl (1996)
36. Eddy Guerrero v. Kurt Angle - WWE Title (2004)
35. Kane v. Matt Hardy - Til Death Do Us Part Match (2004)
34. Eddy Guerrero v. Edge (2002)
33. Shawn Michaels v. Vader - WWF Title (1996)
32. Heavenly Bodies v. Steiner Brothers - Tag Team Titles (1993)
31. Brock Lesnar v. The Rock - Undisputed Title (2002)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
4* (21)
30. Brock Lesnar v. HHH (2012) ****
29. Rob Van Dam v. Jeff Hardy - Ladder Match - Hardcore Title (2001)
28. Hulk Hogan v. Shawn Michaels (2005)
27. Chris Jericho v. John Cena - WWE Title (2005)
26. Randy Savage v. Ultimate Warrior - WWF Title (1992)
25. Randy Orton v. Chris Benoit - World Heavyweight Title (2004) ***
24. Ultimate Warrior v. Rick Rude - IC Title (1989) ***
23. John Cena v. Batista (2008)
22. Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho - 2/3 Falls (2000)
21. Chris Benoit v. Rob Van Dam - IC Title (2002)
20. CM Punk v. John Cena/CM Punk v. Alberto Del Rio - WWE Title - (2011)
19. Dolph Ziggler v. Rey Mysterio - IC Title (2009)
18. Rock v. HHH - Ladder Match - IC Title (1998) ***
17. HHH v. Mankind - Steel Cage (1997) ***
16. Randy Orton v. John Cena - WWE Title (2007) ***
15. CM Punk v. Jeff Hardy - Ladder Match - World Heavyweight Title (2009) ***
14. Edge v. Undertaker - Hell in a Cell (2008) ***
13. Mick Foley v. Ric Flair - I Quit (2006) ***
12. Brock Lesnar v. Kurt Angle - WWE Title (2003) ***
11. Bret Hart v. Doink/Bret Hart v.Jerry Lawler (1993) ***
10. Bret Hart v. Mr. Perfect - IC Title (1991) ***
9. Rey Mysterio v. Eddy Guerrero - Ladder Match for Custody of a Human Being (2005)***
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4.5* (7)
8. Christian v. Randy Orton - No Holds Barred - World Heavyweight Title (2011)***
7. TLC 1 (2000)***
6. Bret Hart v. Owen Hart - Steel Cage Match - WWF Title (1994)***
5. Kurt Angle v. Rey Mysterio (2002)
4. Shawn Michaels v. Razor Ramon - Ladder Match - IC Title (1995)***
3. Bret Hart v. British Bulldog - IC Title (1992)***
2. Steve Austin v. Kurt Angle - WWF Title (2001)***
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5* (1)
1. Shawn Michaels v. HHH - Unsanctioned Match (2002)***
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