NXT Takeover: Dallas - Apr 1 2016

Starring Patrick Duffy

By: Matt Ederer

NXT is a beautiful unicorn floating on a lily pad. In today's overproduced, over-saturated, pick-and-choose era of wrestling, I really hope fans are picking and choosing NXT. NXT Takeover Specials are the safest bet in sports-entertainment. I don't think there's ever been a bad one, and you could make a strong argument that Dallas is the best NXT Takeover, top to bottom.

American Alpha v The Revival  

^ Super real

The Dallas crowd goes absolutely bananas for American Alpha, who are in turn about as fired up as two human beings can be without actually spontaneously combusting. 

I want to propose a rule: during the entrances for a title match, when one participant/team comes out visibly more jacked up than usual, IE. far more than their usual entrance and past the point of general wrestling hooplah, you can safely say they might be winning the title tonight. You know it when you see it. This was a definite Entrance Rule match. 

"Which one's Dawson? Which one's Dash?" chants. Savage. The Dallas crowd is amazing.

This is a very good, smart match. The Revival are great at using the nuances of tag team wrestling to enhance their matches, like Baldvival sneakily tagging Hairvival when the good guys weren't looking, and then killing poor young fresh-faced Chad Gable with a clothesline he didn't see coming.

In the end, American Alpha pull the exact same secret tag move that the Revival hit them with minutes before, and win the tag team titles. The story is that Revival have been smashing indy geeks in NXT, because they're crafty, clever veteran wrestlers who are great at working together. But they finally met a team of real professionals who can match, and ultimately top, their technical rasslin' knowledge.  Awesome. A great match, and a prime example of how to put an act "on the map". American Alpha are officially on the map. They were just guys a few months ago, and now because of this build and the result of this specific match, they matter.

One last thing: what a moment for Jason Jordan. He was legit crying as he held up the title here. This guy has been in NXT literally the entire time it's been a thing, and FCW before that. Jordan's been in the WWE's minor leagues for 5 years, working hard and waiting patiently. He has GREATLY improved, he's finally has found his niche, and along with Chad Gable has become one half of the best tag team in wrestling right now. Fake as it may be, there was absolutely zero fake about that celebration. Very nice, genuine moment that added to a fabulous opener. Go get em kid.
 

Awesome match with a super hot finishing sequence. Holy fucksauce NXT is great.

*4.25
 

 

 Congratulations Baron Corbin I too aspire to be presented by DiGiorno

Baron Corbin v Austin Aries
 
Fine match. Aries came out swinging, charging Corbin immediately. I really liked that. The first three seconds of Aries' NXT career and he's out there swinging.

One thing I quite liked about this match was that last week on NXT, Corbin beat a jobber with his spinning suplex thing that he calls the End of Days. He usually doesn't win matches with that move, but last week he did. In this match, he absolutely shithoused poor Austin Aries with that suplex on the floor. They made it into a count out spot, which unlike most count outs, was actually pretty good and believable. They took the time to put that move over the week before, and it paid off here. Really smart little thing to add to the match, one which rewards consistent viewership.

Breaking news: NXT is great.

Good Corbin match, left you wanting to see more of Austin Aries. Baron is almost ready for WWE. Aries was ready 11 years ago.

*3
 

Sami Zayn v Shinsuke Nakamura


Shinsuke's entrance

Watch this match. Listen to this crowd.  This is the reason why we watch wrestling.

*5. for the match, the moment, the crowd, the music, the Nakamura Debut, the Sami send off, the everything. About as perfect as pro wrestling gets. 

<3 br="">

 

Asuka v Bayley

They shouldn't have stood a chance following the last match, but god bless them they did get the crowd back. I thought this was ballsy as heck, to put this match out there and let them tell that story following what might very well be the best match in the history of NXT. Really liked the subtle heel Asuka leanings here, her not bothering to shake the hand or care at all about the safety of the fallen ex-champion after she lost. Asuka doesn't give a fuck about yer rainbows and unicorns. Asuka is a fighter and she will kill you. Good match. I really liked the slow-but-still-out-of-nowhere finish, though I could understand it being pretty polarizing. I need to re-watch this to be honest. I needed a pack of cigarettes and a nap after Zayn/Nakamura.

*4

Finn Balor v Samoa Joe 

I'm of two minds about this match. In the first 10 seconds, Samoa Joe got cut by an errant punch, and the story of the match quickly became the numerous stoppages for blood. Joe dealt with the no blood PG 2016 thing incredibly, even subtly nodding along with a LET JOE BLEED chant. Somehow, making Joe stop and start made him feel even more unhinged, as if temporarily caging this monster only pissed him off further. However,  while the blood really helped the feud and any eventual rematches, the stoppages did serve to cool down what was a very hot match. The finish was a bit out of nowhere too. This was altogether weird, but in the cool and unique way, not the bad way. As much as I am ready for Balor and Joe on the main roster, they have to do this match again.

*3.75

NXT is the bessssssst u guyz.

AN IGNORANT REVIEW: G-1 CLIMAX 24 (2014) PREVIEW

AND FEATURING Jack Black as Nacho

While we're merely casual fans of New Japan Pro Wrestling here at Pimp Matches, we try not to let little things like "context" and "information" get in the way of our mission to watch a bunch of wrestling and talk a bunch of shit about it. Every now and again, we will review a match or show (or in this case, a fuckboat of shows in a row) that we aren't necessarily super abreast of. We may be taking you into this thing a little cold, but that only means we have more sights to see.  And hey, maybe we'll learn a little something along the way. Or something.

AN IGNORANT (p)REVIEW: G-1 CLIMAX 24 (2014)
by: Matt Ederer

Over the past few years, New Japan Pro Wrestling has been the most consistent wrestling company on the planet. If you like your rasslin' to be nice and simple with sports-style presentation and dudes hitting each other real hard, then NJPW might be the wrestling show you've been waiting for.

Every 4th of January, NJPW brings us the Wrestle Kingdom show live from the famous Tokyo Dome (essentially the Japanese Wrestlemania). In the late 00's, NJPW had a working agreement with TNA wrestling, eventually leading to a Tetsuya Naito v. Jeff Hardy match which ranks high on the list of all-time worst disasters in the history of Japan.

On Jan 4th 2013, free from the TNA partnership, NJPW gave us an all time classic show in Wrestle Kingdom 7. Dave Meltzer, the most respected wrestling journalist who has ever lived and King of the Wrestling Nerds, called it an all-time classic show and better than the best Wrestlemania. High praise to be sure, but it was a ridiculously packed show with no less than 4 different 4 star matches. You could very easily make the case that it would have been the greatest Wrestlemania of all time.

The New Japan hype train kept right on rolling through the summer, as August 2013's G1 CLIMAX (what a fabulous name btw) was instantly and almost unanimously accepted as the greatest in-ring tournament in the history of the business. Again, that's crazy hyperbolic praise, but with some of the most violent, athletic, and hard hitting matches that anybody had ever seen, it's pretty accurate.

But what is the G-1 exactly? Wiki explains it as:

The G1 (Grade One) Climax is a professional wrestling tournament held each August by the New Japan Pro Wrestling promotion. The G1 draws standing room only crowds each night, record receipt gates and generates front-page coverage on the sports sections of several of the daily newspapers in Tokyo. Though it has sometimes been held as a single-elimination tournament, it is usually (and currently) held as a round-robin, with winners from two blocks wrestling in the final to decide that year's winner. In its current format, the tournament lasts between one to two weeks. The winner of each block is determined by a points system; two points for a victory, one point for a draw, and zero points for a loss.
(credit: wikipedia)

Also, the winner of the G-1 gets a world title shot, which generally happens at the Tokyo Dome show. Basically, the G-1 is the Japanese Royal Rumble, only it's a month long tournament instead of a hour long battle royal. Thanks, internet!

The 2013 G-1 was a once in a lifetime situation. With 9 shows in 11 days, it was one of the most physically demanding stretches ever in wrestling. In fact, the schedule became too much, as both Hirooki Goto and Hiroyoshi Tenzan had to pull out of the tournament due to legitimate injury. It's still fake in Japan btw. But these guys are not fucking around.

Fast forward to the summer of 2014. The G-1 Climax is back for an encore. The 2014 version of the G1 Climax tournament is scheduled over a slightly more sane 21 days, between July 21 and August 10, 2014. The finals will take place at the Seibu dome, which is the home of the Saitama Seibu Lions, and as a trivia note for all you baseball buffs (Pat), is where Daisuke Matsusaka played pro ball in Japan. With 22 names vying for the crown, this will be the largest G1 Climax in history.

SO ALL OF THAT IS TO SAY, here is the official Pimp Matches Preview of the 2014 G-1 Climax, in the form of two-three sentences on each of the rasslers in this here rasslin tournament.  

BLOCK A:

Block A:
- Hiroshi Tanahashi

The Wrestling Observer wrestler of the year for three years in a row, and counting. Tanahashi is everything that the WWE wishes John Cena was. He's Shawn Michaels with John Cena's push in a shiny Japanese body. He's popular, talented, and (apparently) he's the king of the golden abs, which is...an achievement? Simply put, Hiroshi Tanahashi is the best main event wrestler alive today, and every match he wrestles in will be an event.

- Shinsuke Nakamura

SWAGSUKE. A totally weird and unique gimmick. Nakaumra is kind of like an MMA fighter who happens to be constantly tripping balls on M. He looks and wrestles like he crawled out of a nightclub at 5 in the morning, hit the gym, passed out in the sauna and/or parking lot, and came to the arena ready to kill. His entrance is exactly like that time Peter Griffin took extasy. His wrestling style is like Daniel Bryan meets Dean Ambrose to the power of Adam Rose. In no way are these criticisms. Shinsuke Nakamura is my favorite Japanese wrestler and looks to be primed for a big push this fall and winter. SWAGSUKE is my pick to win it all this year.

- Katsuyori Shibata

I would not want to wrestle Katsuyori Shibata. Shibata is maybe the baddest man in pro wrestling right now, having developed a serious aura of danger around his matches, mostly through hitting his opponents really hard. A former MMA fighter, Shibata's legitimate credentials and vicious strikes help his matches feel different than everybody else's, like a mini-Brock Lesnar except with vicious strikes. A guy who takes it as well as he dishes it out, Shibata is a no-nonsense performer who will have more than one insane match in this tournament while making you question how fake this stuff really is.

- Tomohiro Ishii

The owner of one of the best nicknames in wrestling, the Stone Pitbull (!) is exactly what that nicknames suggests. He's a hard hitting, sawed off little monster. The master of the brainbuster, Ishii is a guy who has awesome matches with pretty much everybody. The Ishii/Shibata match from last year's G-1 was rated 5 stars by the Wrestling Observer and was widely accepted as the 2013 match of the year. And also, it was FUCKING INSANE. Cannot wait to see some more Ishii.

- Bad Luck Fale

Big ol' hoss getting a big ol' push. Not the most entertaining guy on the NJPW roster, but he's big as heck and he stands out. I'm expecting a few big wins out of Bad Luck, and possibly even for him to be in contention to win the block on the last day. At the end of the day it's still way too early to pull the trigger on a G-1 win for Fale, but through his recent IC title win over Shinsuke Nakamura, you can see that the bookers de-Fale-nitely have high hopes. So as you can see by that joke, I have no idea what else to say about him and lets move on immediately Forever.

- Yuji Nagata

The wily old veteran. When I was young and ignorant, I knew him only as a crappy WCW jobber who I skipped over in WCW v. nWo Revenge for Nintendo 64. What a dumb kid. Yugi Nagata is a great talent, and while he doesn't have a chance of winning, Nagata is still in the upper-echelon of in-ring performers in this business and will have plenty of entertaining matches over the next 21 days. The human embodiment of those annoying 'YOU STILL GOT IT' chants.

- Satoshi Kojima

The current NWA champion, which used to be a really, really big deal. Kojima is a long time G-1 veteran and can always be counted on for a good performance. This tournament should be no different. Expect a good showing and a lot of lariatoooooooooooos. 

- Kota Ibushi Tomoaki Honma

A replacement for Kota Ibushi, who is missing the tournament with a concussion. Sadly I do not know a single thing about Mr. Honma except that he's worse at flippity flips than the dude he replaced. While I wouldn't expect him to win this thing, this is a big chance for Honma to make a name for himself.

- Shelton Benjamin

There are very few differences between WWE Shelton and NJPW Shelton. While his athleticism stands out less in Japan, Shelton did have a few awesome matches in last years G-1. There's not a lot to say on Shelton. If you've seen him you know what he's about, if you haven't seen him, watch him once or twice and you'll know what he's about. OH he does the ankle lock now.

- Davey Boy Smith Jr.

The literal definition of a baby face (THEM CHEEKS), Davey Boy Smith Jr. is a really good wrestler who is kind of stuck in a heel tag team in NJPW. It's just too bad that he has the chubbiest cheeks in wrestling, because his tag team with Lance Archer is pretty bad ass and makes them both look like killers. DH Smith should be in the WWE and you can't give me one good reason as to why he's not. Other than the fact that he looks like he's twelve. 

- Doc Gallows

You may remember him as the guy you've forgotten from WWE's Straight-edge Society. The former Festus is a guy who other wrestlers are really complimentary of, even though I personally don't see it as a fan, or at least haven't yet. I am looking forward to seeing Gallows vs guys like Tanahashi and Nakamura, and much like Honma this might be a chance for Gallows to take his game to the next level.

That's it for Block A. Onto the B block.

Block B:

- AJ Styles

The former great white hope of TNA and current IWGP champion, which is the main title in NJPW and the most prestigious wrestling title in Japan right now. AJ Styles' mix of crazy athletisicm, spectacular bumps and awesome physical charisma make him a perfect fit for NJPW and their world championship. I expect Styles to win the B block and have a very entertaining run in this tournament.

- Kazuchika Okada

C.R.E.A.M. get the money

If Tanahashi is Japanese Cena, Okada is Japanese Orton. Great athleticism, awesome timing, throws a great dropkick, has pretty much a perfect look and enjoys a serious push to go with it. Okada has come a long way in the last few years, going from one of the worst in-ring workers in NJPW, to being saddled with a racist gimmick in TNA as O-kato, back to NJPW and suddenly having classic matches with Minoru Suzuki, Togi Makabe, AJ Styles and about 5 or 6  with Tanahashi. Kazuchika Okada is one of two favorites coming into Block B. If it's not AJ, it's probably going to be Okada.

- Tetsuya Naito

Last year's G-1 winner, crowds didn't take to Naito the way that NJPW wanted, and he has seemingly been scaled back in the recent months. Not to be deterred, Naito is a spectacular wrestler who has been having awesome matches with Tomohiro Ishii in that time frame, their February match being a high contender for match of the year. I don't understand how his taunt isn't racist though.

- Minoru Suzuki

Simply put, one of the best bad guys in wrestling today. Suzuki, an MMA fighter from the early days and the co-creator of Pancrase, is a surly, angry old man who will slap the shit out of you if you stand in his way. I don't know about you but that's everything I want out of a pro wrestler.

- Yujiro Takahashi

The Japanese Miz. Yujiro has a great gimmick (sleaseball who comes to the ring adorned in strippers), and is among the worst in-ring performers in the company. Yujiro recently beat Tomohiro Ishii for the NEVER openweight title, a decision that still has the internet bitter at young Yujiro (stupid Yujiro why'd you have to go and beat the Stone Pitbull god I hate him). Pretty great at being a heel, but a step behind most NJPW guys technically.

- Togi Makabe

Makabe, recently returning from a broken jaw, is a big time fan favorite, and according to the fantastic @puro_yottsume, is one of the best promo guys in NJPW. Cool! If you like clotheslines and knee drops, you're gonna love Togi Makabe.

- Hirooki Goto

Hirooki Goto and Katsuyori Shibata had my 2013 feud of the year, producing a number of insane matches that were at least as physical as most MMA fights, and more hard hitting than Jon Fitch's entire career. While Goto doesn't have much hope for a G-1 victory, Goto is an NJPW veteran who has won numerous tournaments before and will be pushed as a threat in every match he's in, not unlike Yugi Nagata in block A.

- Hiroyoshi Tenzan

Tenzan's best days might be behind him, but he''s not coming into this G-1 to sleepwalk his way through matches. Poor Tenzan is really banged up, as evidenced by him not being able to even finish last year's tournament. Regardless, Tenzan will give you everything he's got left in the tank, whatever that may be.

- Karl Anderson

Karl Anderson reminds me of a hamster with a create-a-wrestler moveset. He's a small bald heavyweight who does nWo taunts and a bunch of crazy RKO's. The leader of the bullet club, Anderson is a well traveled wrestler who has had a number of solid matches over the last few years. He'll win a couple along the way, but is no threat to win the tournament.

- Lance Archer  

The former Vance Archer has gotten really good lately, but sadly his tramp stamp will forever be his most famous achievment in wrestling. Could be a real player in this business if only he would commit to high-wasted pants.

- Toru Yano

From what I understand, his gimmick is "fat idiot". Somebody tell me what I'm missing please. A comedy midcarder and crowd favorite, Yano is kind of like the Japanese Santino. With similar in-ring abilities. Expect some zany hijinks and a few "oops I slipped on a banana peel" style victories.

CHECK BACK AT PIMP MATCHES FOR MORE G-1 PREVIEWS/SHENANIGANS

TEDDY LONG SUCKS POWERFULLY AT HIS JOB

Warning: This is a three part article comin at you in one setting. To the TL;DR crowd,; don't worry, I included all kinds of pics and timelines and fun doo dads to keep ya motivated. 

--------------

Theodore Long is the single most unprofessional and unqualified person ever to keep a managerial job in the entire history of the WWE.

For eight years Long has terrorized wrestlers, endangered fans, made horrendous personnel decisions and ignored responsibility to fraternize with women of questionable intention.

In short: Teddy Long should have been fired years ago. In the days leading up to Wrestlemania, I will be providing various examples of Theodore R Long sucking really bad at his job. 

....and sometimes you don't even need a caption

During Theodore R. "Teddy" Long’s extended managerial career he has displayed a thorough lack of professionalism, decorum and integrity. He has made countless puzzling decisions, is guilty of extreme favoritism, and has allowed the bullying tactics of numerous superstars to shape the WWE in a highly improper manner.

This is a man who has suffered both a serious concussion and a serious heart attack in the last five years. This is a man who has seen his world title surrendered by injury on three separate occasions. Simply, Teddy Long is the picture of instability, and cannot be trusted to provide a safe work environment for the WWE talent and officials.

In short, Theodore Long may be the single most unprofessional and unqualified person ever to keep a managerial job in the entire fake history of professional wrestling.

The Theodore Long is a Spiteful Human Timeline

Putting the "soul" in Soul Patch

The following is a list of only some of Teddy Long’s most vindictive and wildly biased actions. This list is by no means full or comprehensive.

Feb 24 2005 – Teddy Long’s Job officially comes under question for the first time, via Carlito Caribbean Cool. It is saved by Linda McMahon and the WWE Board of Directors.

March 3 2005 – Carlito is forced to shovel snow in the parking lot. In the cold.

March 10 2005 – Carlito is sent on a mission to get information from the Undertaker.  He is piledriven on his head for his effort.

March 17 2005 – Carlito is seen selling hot dogs in the concession stand.

March 25 2005 –. Carlito is forced to impersonate Elvis.  He is visibly humiliated.

Not that you can blame the guy

October 16 2006 – MVP insults Teddy, says Smackdown has no competition for him. MVP is then booked to face Kane.

October 27 2006 – MVP is ill and cannot compete. He is booked in a tag team match for the following week against Kane and the Undertaker. He is given Ken Kennedy as a partner. AGAINST KANE AND THE FRIGGIN UNDERTAKER.

Novemver 3 2006 – Long twice restarts the Kane/Undertaker v MVP/Kennedy match, to further punish MVP and Kennedy.

November 10 2006 – Teddy Long makes MVP compete in a street fight against Kane.

November 17 2006 – MVP, having won the street fight, is booked in a steel cage match v. Kane.

December 1 2006 – MVP, after winning steel cage and street fight matches against Kane, is booked to face him in an inferno match.

December 17 2006 – Kane sets MVP on fire. Teddy Long twists his mustache and slowly pets a cat from a giant leather throne in his penthouse.

^ Hottest rising star in the business

June 11 2010 – Drew MacIntyre taunts and verbally abuses Teddy Long.

June 18 2010 – Drew MacIntyre defeats Teddy Long in a match sanctioned by Vince McMahon.

June 25 2010 – Teddy Long notifies authorities that Drew MacIntyre’s VISA has expired and attempts to have MacIntyre deported. He first books a Drew Mac v Matt Hardy match, only contacting authorities after it concludes.

July 9 2010 – Teddy Long forces Drew MacIntyre to beg for a spot in a Money in the Bank Ladder match. Drew begs. Teddy responds by booking Drew v Kofi Kingston in a MITB qualifier. 

Shattering his mental health and sexuality in the process

Note: This list doesn’t even take into account Long’s behaviour post Jan 21 2011, when Dolph Ziggler concussed Teddy, putting a *real* chip on his shoulder.

Teddy has been screwing with his young talent for years. First Drew MacIntyre. Then Carlito. Both Carlito and MVP, once promising superstars, have left the WWE due at least in part to the abuse they suffered at the hands of Mr. Long.  How many young careers have to die Teddy?

Theodore Long’s inappropriate fraternization with the opposite sex

Not that you can blame the guy

First and freshest in the mind is the curious case of Teddy and Aksana, a relationship seemingly aging in reverse.

Aksana began coming on to Theodore Long in an aggressive manner on Smackdown television in 2011. Teddy, as he can sometimes be, was generally oblivious. Aksana remained persistent, but did start to flirt with other WWE Superstars because holy fuck this guy’s old. Eventually Teddy bumbled his way through a period that bore zero resemblance to human courting, and the two ended up together.

It’s worth stating that Aksana is a rookie diva from Russia who can barely speak English and in her young career has already once married and (I presume) divorced a WWE superstar. This is the girl you’re pissing away your work day over? Get with the program Ted.

Long regularly abandons his post to spend time around the city with his Russian sweetheart. The couple have gone as far as running out in the middle of shows that Aksana is still advertised to wrestle on!

Unfortunately this is hardly a standalone incident. In 2007, Teddy Long proposed to and was prepared to be wed to another WWE Diva, Kristal Marshall. Throughout the summer of 2007, Theodore Long routinely abandoned his duties on Smackdown in the middle of the program, leaving with then girlfriend Kristal to gallivant around the various cities of Smackdown. When Long was physically present at his job, his time was dedicated to planning his wedding with the WWE diva. 

Sadly there would be no wedding bells, as during the Long-Marshall nuptials, Theodore Long had a heart attack and was off television for two months.

Teddy Long’s very presence in the same room as a woman like Aksana is a serious health risk for all we know. I mean, I’ve never seen a doctor’s note.

 Theodore Long hires and continues to employ Jon Heidenreich

Hm....I'll allow it.

During Theodore Long’s eight off and on years as general manager of various WWE programs, he has hired an eclectic batch of superstars, to say the least. Long has provided work for such luminaries as Kizarney, Simon Dean, Gavin Spears, one off deals to Gangrel and Viscera, and of course, The Boogeyman.

None of those wrestlers begin to compare, however, to the whirling dervish known as Jon Heidenreich

On the Sep 16th 2004 episode of Teddy Long’s Smackdown, while calling a Kenzo Suzuki/Renee Dupree v. Nunzio/Johnny Stamboil match, one Michael Cole was kidnapped and forcibly brought backstage by Jon Heidenreich.

Here are the facts about the segment that followed, as best as I can represent them:

Jon Heidenreich is a seven foot bleached blond psychopath who has an extremely Aryan vibe about him. He and a terrified Michael Cole are pictured on camera from the chest up. Heidenreich whispers into Cole's ear (and I quote):

"I bet you're wondering why I've got you back here Michael. I like watching you. And I've been studying you Michael. And I know me and you, we want the same things. We have the same desires.... Well now that I've got you back here all alone with me, I'm going to give you what you want".

Heidenreich then forcibly locks the door.  And Smackdown goes to commercial break.

It's exactly what it looks like.

 If you watch this on youtube the ad break is so subtle that you almost miss it. But it's there. I guess only Michael Cole, Jon Heidenreich and God know what happened for those 180 seconds on that faithful afternoon.

What we do know? Heidenreich thrusted into Michael Cole no less than six times. I went back and counted (because a journalist always does his due diligence?). These were legitimate thrusts. Shoot thrusts. Full body thrusts.

Remember the end of American Beauty? That’s the exact vibe Heidenreich was going for here.

This incident occurred not one month after Jon Heidenreich first appeared on Smackdown. Just fire the psychopath Teddy! The labour board doesn't even have to know about this one. I know personally, I've been let go from better places than Smackdown for worse reasons than raping Michael Cole.

As an aside, I think this explains Michael Cole's semi-recent behavioural shift. If I can play psychologist for a moment: the WWE can trace Michael Cole's wacky pattern of acting out and disrupting their program back to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the night that Jon Heidenreich sexually assaulted his butt.

This was hardly the only dismissible offense on Heidenreich's record. Consider these transgressions, all occurring in the one month period immediately following the Cole incident:

Jon Heidenreich’s Furious Fall 

You mean to tell me this guy's crazy?!

 - Sep 30 2004. A raving Jon Heidenreich recites a poem from the top of the Smackdown set (the fist). This is presumably an attempt at a violent, graphic and extremely public suicide. Paul Heyman pleads with him not to jump. Referees and agents surround ringside. Confusion and panic mounts. Teddy Long takes no discernible action.

 - No Mercy, Oct 3 2004. Heidenreich attacks the Undertaker with chloroform, stuffs him in a hearse, and drives a car into said hearse, with the Undertaker inside. The hearse explodes instantly for some reason. The Undertaker survives solely on the basis of his mystical powers. Mystical powers not mandated by Teddy Long.

 - Oct 7 2004. Heidenreich jumps into the crowd, attacking fans.  In the NBA, Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest were handed down lengthy suspensions for a similar act. On Teddy Long’s Smackdown? Heidenreich had to go to the ring and publicly apologize.

That is to say, Teddy Long’s response to Heidenreich attacking fans, was TO FURTHER ANTAGONIZE 

THE MONSTER AND SEND HIM BACK OUT IN FRONT OF THE FANS!

Unsupervised!

Hm......yeah, I'm still gonna allow it.

It’s a small miracle Jon Heidenreich didn’t kill somebody.

The Best of Theodore R Long. The R stands for something offensive. 

SPOILER ALERT: It's "retard". The word was "retard". Sorry everybody.

Here's a quick collection of Teddy’s greatest hits. These are newsworthy items that occurred during Long’s time as GM that I couldn’t work in anywhere else, but had to include for the sake of posterity.

-          Re-instated the Inferno match. To this day nobody is sure how this one got by the Virginia State Athletic Commission.

-          Created the Barbed Wire Steel Cage purely to torture John Bradshaw Layfield

-          Green-Lit that terrorist bullshit with Muhammad Hassan

-          Braden Walker

-          The Juniors Division. Good old fashioned 1980’s “midget ‘rasslin” complete with a Toys ‘R Us style graphic at the start of the match, to let the viewer at home know it was time to change the channel.

This was insulting and offensive to children, cruiserweights, little people AND professional wrestling fans.

-          Created Kenzo Suzuki/Rene Dupree tag team.  Come on.

-          Hired Great Khali. In April of 2006. Kept him on and off for 6 years.

-          Re-hired Tatanka SOLELY to feed him to the Great Khali. That shit is racist.

-          Allowed Tough Enough Segments to appear on his TV show

-          Allowed Diva Search Segments to appear on his TV show

-          The Gymini

-          Honestly, look at his team at Wrestlemania 28. 

Crack team of geeks right here.

-          Hired the Miz back in his HOO-RAH days 

-     Jesus Christ would it kill ya to chill out on the tag team matches a shade? 

-          Loves him some Ezekiel Jackson

-          Allowed the Boogeyman to stuff unsanitary earthworms in the mouths of WWE officials and superstars, and then booked Boogeyman to wrestle vs. numerous former world champions.

-          Invented and booked the Punjabi Prison Match. Somehow sat through the first match, which was like watching paint dry on a wall that just slept with your mother, and thought WHY NOT DO THAT AGAIN? 

-    Had the raw nerve to book a second Punjabi Prison match.

Aw man but it looks SO bad ass

-          Booked Funaki v. Paul Heyman

-          Booked a 6-way match for the “Smackdown Title”, discontinued the championship minutes after

-          Booked a JBL v Blue Meanie match. Egregious for a number of reasons.

-          Booked Dawn Marie & Torrie Wilson v Moolah and Mae Young in an old school v new school School Girl Match. This was legitimately the worst bait and switch ever recorded by man. The match originally was slated to be Dawn Marie v. Torrie in school girl uniforms. Cool! What we got? Mae Young's car-crash thighs and a re-appearance of what I ate for breakfast. How is it even possible to misunderstand your audience to that degree? The rules of the match: remove your opponents' uniforms. Thank god the old women went over.

This is gonna replace Jake the Snake in my nightmares.

The defense rests.



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 - Wrestling Observer Awards: Worst Match of the Year (2005) v Eric  Bischoff @ Survivor Series. This match featured two run-ins. If you guessed Palmer Cannon and the Boogeyman, you lack the ability to represses traumatic memories.

 - Ederer awards: Worst Dancer Of All-Time (1999-present) , Worst manager of Rodney Mack (2003).